I had this weird dream the other night. I was watching Maury, and it was your run-of-the-mill DNA test type deal. There was something not right about it, but in the dream, I found it to be completely normal. It was only when I woke up that I realized how odd it was.
Maury had this big black woman on his couch next to him.
"We're here with U God Sham God. U God Sham God, tell us your situation."
"Well, me and Keonton, we was cool at first. I mean, we slapped at that shit, you know what I mean."
The crowd oohed.
"Really, you slapped at that shit? When did things go sour?"
"Well, then he starts talkin' bout his Beetis, an' how my deepcheeks wasn't his, how he wasn't the deepcheeks."
"He was denying your deepcheeks?"
"Yes Maury. Look at them deepcheeks. Don't they look like his?"
It was a picture of Wilford Brimley. The crowd cheered in agreement.
"Well, here's what he had to say."
They cut to a clip of Kurt Rambis in his old Lakers uniform and his goggles. He was gesturing and making angry remarks. They'd cut to a shot of him with his arms crossed shaking his head, and then him dribbling the basketball kind of awkwardly. For some reason he was wearing black Chuck Taylors too.
"U God Sham God know them deepcheeks ain't mine," he said. "She had too many other guys for them to be mine. I ain't the deepcheeks. My boys tell me she was all up in some house with five guys at once, making a movie. Now how she gonna say they mine deepcheeks?"
"Let's bring him out, meet Keonton!"
It was Marvel comics superhero Moon Knight. He was waving at the crowd in a dissmissive manner as they booed him.
"I have the results right here. Keonton, in the case of U God Sham God, you are not the deepcheeks."
I found myself in the audience, then on the stage with Moon Knight. Unprovoked, he took a swing at me with one of his nunchuks, and I woke up. I tried to make sense of it as I went over it in my mind: you are not the deepcheeks. What did it mean? I considered going to a dream analyst, but then decided against it.
Showing posts with label Maury. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Maury. Show all posts
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
The Maury Povich Drinking Game
This is it, the Maury Povich drinking game. People have been asking me for years how it's played, so here you go.
First off, the game can only properly be played during a paternity test episode. Avoid any crazy things caught on tape, I survived this or that, or I'm a 13 year-old that's had 20 guys episodes. I usually TiVo a few in advance so we have them, just in case. Also, make sure no one has seen the episodes. It ruins the whole thing if someone knows what the results are.
The rules are simple.
1) Every time a girl references her baby's picture and asks the audience whether it looks like the guy, take a drink.
2) Every time the audience agrees that it looks like him, take a drink.
3) If the baby looks nothing like him, take two drinks.
4) If the woman has been on the show before for either another baby, or the same baby but a new man, take two drinks.
5) If the kids' names make no sense, take a drink.
6) When the man comes out, if he gets booed, take a drink.
7) If, when he finds out he's the father, he says he'll be a man about it, even after jumping around the stage like a moron when he thought it wasn't his, take a drink.
8) When Maury holds the baby, take a drink.
9) If for any reason Maury leaves the set to see a guest on the show, take two drinks.
10) Finally, it's up to all the players to guess on whether or not the dude in question is in fact the father. Guess right, and you're safe. Guess wrong, you gotta finish your drink. The person with the worst percentage of correct guesses has to finish an additional drink at the end of the show. The person who's right the most can hand out ten to whomever he or she wants.
The last time I played I was with Ben Affleck, Ohio State wide-out Ted Ginn jr., and of course, Mads. I went 0-fer-6 on picking them. The worst was when a guy was out there for two kids from one girl. He wasn't the father of the first, but was the father of the second, and I guessed wrong on both of them. Let's just say I was a hurting unit. Mads went a stellar 5-fer-six, and we had a huge blow-out over whether the name Osirian made sense or not. Ben, Ted, and I said it didn't, but Mads insisted that he liked it.
First off, the game can only properly be played during a paternity test episode. Avoid any crazy things caught on tape, I survived this or that, or I'm a 13 year-old that's had 20 guys episodes. I usually TiVo a few in advance so we have them, just in case. Also, make sure no one has seen the episodes. It ruins the whole thing if someone knows what the results are.
The rules are simple.
1) Every time a girl references her baby's picture and asks the audience whether it looks like the guy, take a drink.
2) Every time the audience agrees that it looks like him, take a drink.
3) If the baby looks nothing like him, take two drinks.
4) If the woman has been on the show before for either another baby, or the same baby but a new man, take two drinks.
5) If the kids' names make no sense, take a drink.
6) When the man comes out, if he gets booed, take a drink.
7) If, when he finds out he's the father, he says he'll be a man about it, even after jumping around the stage like a moron when he thought it wasn't his, take a drink.
8) When Maury holds the baby, take a drink.
9) If for any reason Maury leaves the set to see a guest on the show, take two drinks.
10) Finally, it's up to all the players to guess on whether or not the dude in question is in fact the father. Guess right, and you're safe. Guess wrong, you gotta finish your drink. The person with the worst percentage of correct guesses has to finish an additional drink at the end of the show. The person who's right the most can hand out ten to whomever he or she wants.
The last time I played I was with Ben Affleck, Ohio State wide-out Ted Ginn jr., and of course, Mads. I went 0-fer-6 on picking them. The worst was when a guy was out there for two kids from one girl. He wasn't the father of the first, but was the father of the second, and I guessed wrong on both of them. Let's just say I was a hurting unit. Mads went a stellar 5-fer-six, and we had a huge blow-out over whether the name Osirian made sense or not. Ben, Ted, and I said it didn't, but Mads insisted that he liked it.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Maury
The boos were deafening. Mads and I walked out onto Maury's stage the obvious bad guys. Me for being the suspected deadbeat father of LaShonda's child, and Mads for being my Norwegian companion.
I hadn't seen LaShonda in five years, and in an instant I was reminded of just what I'd seen in her. We spent an amazing summer together, one that I'll never forget; but she knew going in that I was going to take that job in Mongolia living in a yurt for two years. I guess when the summer ended, she just couldn't let go...
I didn't even try to plead my case in front of that crowd: they had already tried and convicted me. My entire salvation was held in a sealed envelope Maury was in the process of tearing open.
"...[Y]ou are not the father."
She fell to her knees, crying. Mads handed me a freshly shaken martini, and we stood up and left unceremoniously. I'll never forget you, LaShonda, you were one of the good ones.
I hadn't seen LaShonda in five years, and in an instant I was reminded of just what I'd seen in her. We spent an amazing summer together, one that I'll never forget; but she knew going in that I was going to take that job in Mongolia living in a yurt for two years. I guess when the summer ended, she just couldn't let go...
I didn't even try to plead my case in front of that crowd: they had already tried and convicted me. My entire salvation was held in a sealed envelope Maury was in the process of tearing open.
"...[Y]ou are not the father."
She fell to her knees, crying. Mads handed me a freshly shaken martini, and we stood up and left unceremoniously. I'll never forget you, LaShonda, you were one of the good ones.
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