Men's Pairs Luge

I noticed Fox Sports Net had luge on the other day, and I decided to watch it. I'd seen highlights before on Winter Olympics past, but never an actual event.

Was I in for a surprise. They have men's pairs. That's right, two men, one sled. You do the math. They were just lying on top of each other.

Now I'm 36 years old, closing in on 37, and I like to think of myself as rather mature for my age. Dick and fart jokes just aren't doing it anymore, and I'm secure enough in my sexuality to not feel uncomfortable when a couple of dudes hold hands. But I don't know, this just seemed gay.

I talked to a representative of the US Luging Association (USLA), and they told me I needed to grow up. I decided I had to cut to the chase: I called in a homosexual.

It just so happened that Kyan from Queer Eye was in town. I had him come up to my apartment and give it a look.

"So, what do you think."

"Gay. No doubt about it: gay."

Marvel Ultimate Alliance

Gwen, the Cappie, brought over her Gaystation 3 the other day, with this game called Marvel Ultimate Alliance. Now Gwen, being the obsessed Captain America fan that she is, bought the game for obvious reasons, and she looked hot that day, so I let her play it at my house.

I figured I'd get back to reading my book, Nikolai Gogol's Dead Souls (did you know he was born on April Fools Day too?), but the game drew me in. The next thing I knew it was 2am, and Gwen was considering calling a cab.

"You can't call a cab now! We're about to take out Dr. Doom and the Masters of Evil. I got Spiderman all leveled up and ready to break fools off."

"Listen to yourself. It's already 2am! We've been playing since I came over at noon. I gotta stop."

"Forget her, we don't need her to win the game."

It was Queer Eye's Kyan. I forgot to mention he stopped by to see if I was exfoliating properly, and we let him try the game.