Those Damn Sox

As a young boy some of my first memories of life on the planet were of the Red Sox in 1975 losing the World Series to the Reds. Three years later, the Sox would break my heart even more by losing the division after a huge 14 game lead to Bucky Dent and the Yankees. If it hadn't been for the Celtics, Boston as a sports city would've sucked.

Well now it's the Celtics who suck (though suddenly not anymore-- thanks Kevin McHale), and the Red Sox do weird shit like not losing divisions to the Yankees after 14 game leads and actually beat teams like the Indians after I'd written them off when they were down 3-1. Of course, this wasn't any of the Sox's doing. They would've lost against the Indians if Matty, my personal biographer, hadn't stopped watching and written them off for dead. Once he did that, their fortunes changed.

While Mads, my Norwegian companion, and I were watching The Hills that night, we reflected on the game.

"Until the Sox beat the Rockies, there's nothing yet to differentiate this season from '86."

He made a great point. They still had some work to do. I got on the horn to Matty.

"So, you know how when you stopped watching the Sox they started winning."

"I keep telling you they actually lost game four and I'd stopped after game three. Your superstition doesn't hold. Not only that, but I watched game seven."

I felt betrayed. His little stunt could've cost the Sox an 11th trip to the Big Show.

"I better not find out you've watched game one on Wednesday if they end up losing."

"Beckett's pitching... even I can't jinx that."

"Whatever, just don't watch it."

"I'll get right on that."


So they won number seven, and now they start this season with a good look at number eight. Maybe Matty will help us out down the stretch.

A Couple O' Mainers

During the summer, when the Texas Rangers killed the Baltimore Orioles 30-3, it was quite the story around baseball. Gary Thorne calls the Orioles' games for the local TV station, and not too many days after the game Matty, my personal biographer, and I were in the Baltimore area, and thought we'd look him up to see what he thought about the game.

"Hey, you went to UMaine," Matty said before I had a chance to speak.

"I did, you too?"

"Oh yeah."

And that was it:

"You think them Sox are gonna win it awl this yeeah?"

"Well, I hope they gonnew. Ya knhoe, you can nevah count out them damn Yankees though."

"Ayaht. You can't get theyah from heyah."

Reno Hard 8's

With my sizeable financial holdings, I decided a few years back to purchase a minor league baseball team: the Double A Reno Hard 8's. It was a disaster.

First was my mascot, a giant octopus. I love big, furry mascots, and I thought an octopus would be a cool step in the mascot evolution. I was wrong. He had trouble hugging little kids, his tentacles would get caught in the wheels of the golf cart as he rode around the field, and he couldn't do the "YMCA". Kids were weirded out by him, and parents started taking their kids else where for fun.

Second, I tended to undermine the manager's authority when it came to the players. When I was in town, I insisted they party with me. The coach didn't like this, and was especially mad when half his team couldn't play the next day with hangovers. He also didn't like it when I called down to him during games telling him when to switch pitchers, or when to hit-and-run-, or even how he should position his fielders.

Finally, I never considered how difficult it would be competing with the casinos in the area. Every promotion I did was trumped by them. I'd have a most improved student night where the kids would get into the game free, they'd have most improved student night where the kids would get $25 in chips. There's nothing I can do about that. I made a huge stink in the area when I hooked up with a brothel for a "Lady's of the Night Night". First 1000 people get coupons. The community didn't like that at all.

I sold the team a year later. It was an experiment I'll never try again.

Barry Barry Bonzo, I Don't Like Your Girlfriend

150K, a spitfire pop singer, and a beef roid-taking baseball player with a size 15 head. What does it all mean? My best plan ever.

I saw a commercial for Avril Lavigne's new CD, changed the channel, and saw Barry Bonds in a post-game press conference, as persnickety as usual. Of course, how could I have not thought of it before? I contacted Avril's agent and laid down the offer: 150K if she sang her "Girlfriend" song to Barry in the middle of one of his cat-and-mouse games with the media. I'd be able to get her and her friends the press credentials. She was down.

Two days later I got a text message:

"It's done. Watch SportsCenter at 11."

In the opening credits they showed all the crap that was going to be on, then the music quieted, and I saw a befuddled Barry Bonds listening to "Barry Barry Bonzo, I don't like your girlfriend. No way No way, I think you need a new one. Barry Barry Bonzo, I could be your girlfriend."
Scott van Pelt was speechless as ESPN showed the full clip. The people at the press conference were stunned. Avril said she had a question, then one of her little buddies turned on a boom box that had the backing music. She could only get that opening part out before security carried her and her friends off. Barry shook his enormous head.

"That was one crazy white bitch," he said.

Andy Messersmith, of course

I was watching the Dodgers/Rockies game the other day, and the Afflack trivia question asked who the last four Dodgers starters to lead the NL in wins before Lowe and Penny were. I knew Oral Herscheiser, Sandy Koufax, and Don Drysdale. I thought the fourth was Fernando Valenzuela (sp?), but it was Andy Messersmith. Of course... Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I was on a date with a really hot Native American chick named Naomi, and missing the trivia question was still in my mind.

"What does it matter?" She said.

"I know in the grand scheme of life it's not so big a deal, but it's good to have stuff you care about like that, you know?"

"Well, I just think baseball's boring. I mean it's cool when the Sox are doing good, but after that..."

"Boring, huh? Well, I think we're going to have to remedy that."

Cue the montage...

Except the montage music was Disturbed: highly inappropriate. I looked through my iPod. Kenny Loggins, "Meet Me Halfway", Journey stuff, "Take it to the Limit" off the Scarface, soundtrack... too obvious. I settled on Ashley Simpson's "Pieces of Me".

Now cue the montage. I took her to some games, showed her some books, watched Baseball Tonight with her, saved someone's life using my glove, played catch... all in the space of the length of the song.

"Man," she said. "I didn't know baseball could be so good."

"Few do."

"So you think the Sox's problem at the bottom of their lineup will hurt them more than the Yankees' starting pitching woes?"

I looked at the camera and winked. We froze, and the credits rolled.