My Second Poetry Reading

Gwen invited me to another one of her poetry readings, and based on my previous performance, the café owner insisted that I recite another piece. My brain was a tad off due to drinking four Tab Energy Drinks, and I could only think of The Match Game, which I had been watching while waiting for Gwen to get ready.

I gave it a go anyway.

"Hello people," I said. There was cheering. Someone yelled "Gay Rodeo!" in reference to my earlier work; another "Buttless Chaps!". "Here's what I got for you people. A little extemporaneous piece entitled Farmer John's Blank." More cheers.

Hello, Gene,
My name is Susan
I have three children
And live in Van Nuys
I'll take question A
My mind races
Farmer John said:
My wife was so happy last night
How happy was she?
She was so happy
Instead of buttering my rolls
She buttered my [blank].
I can't think
I say the first thing that comes to mind
Pickle
The crowd boos, my face turns
Crimson
Please Robert Urich
Not a Match
Brett Sommers?
Buzzer
Charles Nelson Riley, you're my man
0 for 3
Blonde chick from that Kojak episode
Not even close
Richard, I'm begging you
I feel my heart drop
Fannie Flag, you're my last hope
But it wasn't meant to be
It was an honor to meet you Gene Rayburn.

I sat down. I expected the applause, like before. But there was dead silence. The MC uncomfortably took over, and announced the next poet. I found out later that no one in that room knew what The Match Game was… none of them had been born prior to 1978, and none of them watched enough TV to see it on the Game Show Network. C'est Dommage.

The Match Game vs. The Street Luge

I had been having problems with my peripheral vision, and made an appointment to have it checked out. Unfortunately, I was lost in the building where I was supposed to see the eye doctor. I decided to try a random room to ask for directions. Bad idea.

The room I was in was straight out of the 70s. In fact, it was straight out of The Match Game. There were six actors dressed as celebrities, like Nipsey Russell, Richard Dawson, and Charles Nelson Riley. I went to turn and leave, but a man playing Gene Rayburn stopped me and pointed with his skinny microphone for me to sit down.

I did as he instructed, and found my body couldn't move with the ease I was used to. I looked down, and saw that I was wearing a polyester plaid suit that was very tight. I went to wipe the sweat from under my lips, and found a moustache there. Not only that, but my hair had turned into a curly Jew-fro. I was scared.

And that fear impaired my judgement. I did horribly on the show. When I got the question: "Farmer Brown was very mad at the doctor, because he told him his wife's head hurt, he examined her [blank]" I said "Cat". I also had the sinking suspicion that Richard Dawson was mailing it in on my turn. Either way, I had to accept the consequences of my loss: the street luge.

The wall behind the celebrities gave way to a huge downhill road. I found myself dressed now in a Red, White, and Blue leather jump suit, with the same hair and moustache. I was given the skinny board with wheels, and Gene motioned for me to ride it down the hill. I did, and the last thing I remembered was crashing into a pile of rubber tires.

I woke up on a bench in Chinatown. Was it all a dream? I looked at my reflection in the window of a nearby shop: the moustache was still there!