Anyone involved in a Big XII fantasy league like I was could tell you that the conference was down this year, and so it wasn't necessarily a surprise that Boise got over on the Sooners (even though Texas A&M, who got trounced by Cal, would've killed the Broncos, even on that blue field they got). Just the same, I'm already tired of hearing about how great Boise State is.
Idaho is a frightening state: just ask anyone who saw the Bachelor with that Aaron guy, when he had to deal with the crazy woman who had been crowned Miss Idaho. My own experience in that land is not much better; in fact it's worse... way worse.
I was flying out to Seattle, when our plane had to make an emergency landing in good ol' Boise. I had a ten hour delay. So I left the airport and made my way into the city.
The first bar I went to, a place called The Golden Potato, quite unnerved me as I walked in through the saloon doors. The country music stopped, and everyone in the bar turned and stared at me. I didn't get served there, and I wasn't very happy, so I went MacGyver on the place and cut their electricity.
That's when it happened. At the second bar, The Mashed Spud, I received better. I met a beautiful woman there, and she bought me a drink, and after the third sip, I woke up in a nasty hotel bed. I turned, and saw a set of dentures floating in a glass of water. I tried to get up, but my right arm was handcuffed to the bed post. The woman I met at the bar came back, and she told me all about how we were getting married.
Luckily the bed was so decrepit that I could snap the frame off, and I ran out into the street in only my boxers with a wooden post handcuffed to my wrist. I had three hours to make my flight. I stole crazy girl's beat-up pick-up truck, and sped away. It over heated a mile from my destination, and I had to walk that distance in the state I was in. If it hadn't been me, they wouldn't have let me on the plane. Luckily I am me.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
The Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl of Monopoly
Sen. Jack Murtha and I go way back. Okay, maybe not so far back. But anyway, our main source of contention as friends is our heated Monopoly rivalry. Generally, big Jack doesn't play, but he brings in ringers that he thinks have the stones to take me. It's a slippery slope.
So the other day he shows up out of the blue while I'm grabbing some coffee in the North End, and he's got two shady looking whisper thin fellows on each arm. I knew what the score was at that moment.
"Do you need any time to find a fourth, or are you so full of yourself that you think you can take both of them?"
"Jack, baby, why do you persist in this game you can never win? Did our incident in Islamabad teach you nothing?"
"I still contend that you cheated in that affair."
He was referring to a situation where Mads and I were taking care of some business in the Pakistani capital, when he descended upon us with three men he'd met in Riga, Latvia. Jack thought one of his men had bankrupted me, only to watch as I pulled my emergency $500 out from under my deeds. He threw the table over, and the lot of us barely escaped the country without facing prosecution.
I couldn't find a fourth, and was left to my own devices against his two deviants. I thought I was done for when all the properties were bought up and I hadn't secured a monopoly. One of Jack's boys had all the greens, and I figured they would freeze me out of any deals. I was wrong.
In making conversation with my two opponents, I learned that they both desired the same woman: my friend Gwen, the Cappie. When she stopped into my apartment to say "hi", she turned on Spike TV and watched a rerun of Star Trek: Deep Space 9. This caught their attention.
Well, needless to say, I broke their alliance and convinced one of them to make a deal with me after I hinted that Gwen found him attractive. I locked in monopolies with the oranges and reds, and from there it was only a matter of time.
Jack kicked the boys out after their failure, and he, Gwen, and I bought some Sammy A's and watched The Wild Bunch on DVD.
So the other day he shows up out of the blue while I'm grabbing some coffee in the North End, and he's got two shady looking whisper thin fellows on each arm. I knew what the score was at that moment.
"Do you need any time to find a fourth, or are you so full of yourself that you think you can take both of them?"
"Jack, baby, why do you persist in this game you can never win? Did our incident in Islamabad teach you nothing?"
"I still contend that you cheated in that affair."
He was referring to a situation where Mads and I were taking care of some business in the Pakistani capital, when he descended upon us with three men he'd met in Riga, Latvia. Jack thought one of his men had bankrupted me, only to watch as I pulled my emergency $500 out from under my deeds. He threw the table over, and the lot of us barely escaped the country without facing prosecution.
I couldn't find a fourth, and was left to my own devices against his two deviants. I thought I was done for when all the properties were bought up and I hadn't secured a monopoly. One of Jack's boys had all the greens, and I figured they would freeze me out of any deals. I was wrong.
In making conversation with my two opponents, I learned that they both desired the same woman: my friend Gwen, the Cappie. When she stopped into my apartment to say "hi", she turned on Spike TV and watched a rerun of Star Trek: Deep Space 9. This caught their attention.
Well, needless to say, I broke their alliance and convinced one of them to make a deal with me after I hinted that Gwen found him attractive. I locked in monopolies with the oranges and reds, and from there it was only a matter of time.
Jack kicked the boys out after their failure, and he, Gwen, and I bought some Sammy A's and watched The Wild Bunch on DVD.
Mads: The Insight.com Bowl of Curried Dish Cook-offs
I thought I was going to enjoy a nice New Year's Eve down here in Rio with my homeboy Abdul Karim. I was wrong, though, dead kinda wrong.
Svenska, my evil Swedish nemesis, showed up in town over the weekend, and she had another challenge for me. She knew that I made the best curry dishes this side of Tanzania. She also knew the pride with which I held that honor, being the only Northern Eurpoean ever to be that highly acclaimed. She attempted to attack that pride through the person of Kowloon Bali Hai. A man raised in the mountains of Lhasa, Kowloon Bali Hai's curry dishes were considered some of the best in the past century and a quarter, drawing comparisons by some to the famous Anduhar Singh (1822-1903). I'd felt the energy he was putting out, but I tried my best to ignore it. It was just my luck that he would join forces with that Devil Woman, Svenska.
The reality was that Kowloon Bali Hai and I should not have been adversaries, but instead colleagues, collaborating on dishes and making the world a better place. I'm in this for the kids, you know?
One distinct advantage I had over Kowloon Bali Hai was my intricate knowledge of the local food stuffs. I know what's fresh and what isn't, and I know where to get it. That came in handy when I got perfect sea urchin, and made a great urchin and squid curry.
It was so good, in fact, it made Kowloon Bali Hai's lamb curry, which I have to admit was impeccable in its simplicity, seem pedestrian. Svenska was shamed once again, and I was able to celebrate my New Year's holiday in peace...
...Until I cought Abdul Karim in bed with Svenska.
Svenska, my evil Swedish nemesis, showed up in town over the weekend, and she had another challenge for me. She knew that I made the best curry dishes this side of Tanzania. She also knew the pride with which I held that honor, being the only Northern Eurpoean ever to be that highly acclaimed. She attempted to attack that pride through the person of Kowloon Bali Hai. A man raised in the mountains of Lhasa, Kowloon Bali Hai's curry dishes were considered some of the best in the past century and a quarter, drawing comparisons by some to the famous Anduhar Singh (1822-1903). I'd felt the energy he was putting out, but I tried my best to ignore it. It was just my luck that he would join forces with that Devil Woman, Svenska.
The reality was that Kowloon Bali Hai and I should not have been adversaries, but instead colleagues, collaborating on dishes and making the world a better place. I'm in this for the kids, you know?
One distinct advantage I had over Kowloon Bali Hai was my intricate knowledge of the local food stuffs. I know what's fresh and what isn't, and I know where to get it. That came in handy when I got perfect sea urchin, and made a great urchin and squid curry.
It was so good, in fact, it made Kowloon Bali Hai's lamb curry, which I have to admit was impeccable in its simplicity, seem pedestrian. Svenska was shamed once again, and I was able to celebrate my New Year's holiday in peace...
...Until I cought Abdul Karim in bed with Svenska.
Au Revoir, Mon Saddam, Au Revoir
The big fella bit it last night, and I can't lie, one lone tear dropped out of my right eye. I knew the man well. I used romp with him back in the 80s and joined his family for barbecues in the 90s. Saddam wasn't merely a dictator, he was a chubby man with a thick bushy moustache who was exceptional at Spades. (Yeah right, like I'd try to beat him, LOL!)
But alas, Saddam had outlived his usefulness to the US. He knew it was just a matter of time, and that's why he commissioned a body double to take over the country back in 2002 after he read the US Defense Department's National Security Strategy document. He fled to the small Caribbean island of Tortola, where I'd visit him with Mads and we'd party with Usay and Quday. But he was a shell of the man he was. He tried having a waiter at a night club killed for improperly mixing his margarita, and found that that kind of behavior doesn't fly in country one doesn't rule with an Iron Fist.
So against my advice, he went back, and the rest is history... or is it? Was that crazy man that I saw in that kangaroo court the man I once knew? It didn't seem like it. The only thing this Saddam imposter had in common with the former dictator was their love of Doritos (I once finished off a bag at his place in Tortola, and then feared for my life while he stormed about looking for another one.).
It makes me wonder, if I make a trip down to Tortola, will I see the ol' dicatator sipping margaritas on a beach chair while reminiscing about genocides from an era gone by? He once told me he was very hurt when he found out the US was selling weapons to the Iranians. He said he felt like Stalin when Hitler invaded.
Au revoir, mon Saddam, au revoir.
But alas, Saddam had outlived his usefulness to the US. He knew it was just a matter of time, and that's why he commissioned a body double to take over the country back in 2002 after he read the US Defense Department's National Security Strategy document. He fled to the small Caribbean island of Tortola, where I'd visit him with Mads and we'd party with Usay and Quday. But he was a shell of the man he was. He tried having a waiter at a night club killed for improperly mixing his margarita, and found that that kind of behavior doesn't fly in country one doesn't rule with an Iron Fist.
So against my advice, he went back, and the rest is history... or is it? Was that crazy man that I saw in that kangaroo court the man I once knew? It didn't seem like it. The only thing this Saddam imposter had in common with the former dictator was their love of Doritos (I once finished off a bag at his place in Tortola, and then feared for my life while he stormed about looking for another one.).
It makes me wonder, if I make a trip down to Tortola, will I see the ol' dicatator sipping margaritas on a beach chair while reminiscing about genocides from an era gone by? He once told me he was very hurt when he found out the US was selling weapons to the Iranians. He said he felt like Stalin when Hitler invaded.
Au revoir, mon Saddam, au revoir.
Marvel Ultimate Alliance
Gwen, the Cappie, brought over her Gaystation 3 the other day, with this game called Marvel Ultimate Alliance. Now Gwen, being the obsessed Captain America fan that she is, bought the game for obvious reasons, and she looked hot that day, so I let her play it at my house.
I figured I'd get back to reading my book, Nikolai Gogol's Dead Souls (did you know he was born on April Fools Day too?), but the game drew me in. The next thing I knew it was 2am, and Gwen was considering calling a cab.
"You can't call a cab now! We're about to take out Dr. Doom and the Masters of Evil. I got Spiderman all leveled up and ready to break fools off."
"Listen to yourself. It's already 2am! We've been playing since I came over at noon. I gotta stop."
"Forget her, we don't need her to win the game."
It was Queer Eye's Kyan. I forgot to mention he stopped by to see if I was exfoliating properly, and we let him try the game.
I figured I'd get back to reading my book, Nikolai Gogol's Dead Souls (did you know he was born on April Fools Day too?), but the game drew me in. The next thing I knew it was 2am, and Gwen was considering calling a cab.
"You can't call a cab now! We're about to take out Dr. Doom and the Masters of Evil. I got Spiderman all leveled up and ready to break fools off."
"Listen to yourself. It's already 2am! We've been playing since I came over at noon. I gotta stop."
"Forget her, we don't need her to win the game."
It was Queer Eye's Kyan. I forgot to mention he stopped by to see if I was exfoliating properly, and we let him try the game.
Do You Live and Love?
For whatever reason, I never got a chance to catch this season's Laguna Beach. I was in luck, though, when MTV had a marathon of season three on Friday, and I TiVoed the whole fucking thing.
Laguna Beach is an amazing show, where these teenage kids generally communicate without actually saying anything, and live with an over-inflated sense of self-importance, like most teenagers, and we get to watch how silly they are. Season three was a slight disappointment in comparison to season two, with only a few exceptions. It did have my homegirl Jessica, which was absolutely fantastic, and she was hilarious in trying to win over some high school junior she had the hots for, a guy named Cameron that made out with a few other girls while Jessica pursued him.
Probably the best scene, a scene better than anything in the first two seasons, was a date between a girl named Rocky and her boyfriend Alex. She really wanted an adult like commitment from Alex, and for some reason, maybe because she was only 16, completely missed the fact that poor Alex was blessed with the personality of a raisin. So anyway, they're on the date, and Rocky wants to gauge Alex's feelings, and she gets nothing. An awkward silence ensues, until Alex takes Rocky by the hand, and examines her bracelet, which says "Live and Love" on it.
"Live and Love"? He said.
"Yep."
"... Do you... live... and love?" (I'm serious, he said it!)
"...I love you..."
Big pause.
"...yeah...I... love you too... I think..."
That was my holiday weekend party favor. Everyone that stopped by got to see that. Of course, Alex dumped Rocky right after that, for whatever teenage boy reason, then came clamoring back when he couldn't find a better chick. And equally as predictable, Rocky took him back, because she needed a prom date, and apparently she mistook Alex's telling her what he thought she wanted to hear for his being really sweet to her some times. God, I loved it.
It's nice to know that teenagers are the same now as they were twenty years ago when I was in high school.
Laguna Beach is an amazing show, where these teenage kids generally communicate without actually saying anything, and live with an over-inflated sense of self-importance, like most teenagers, and we get to watch how silly they are. Season three was a slight disappointment in comparison to season two, with only a few exceptions. It did have my homegirl Jessica, which was absolutely fantastic, and she was hilarious in trying to win over some high school junior she had the hots for, a guy named Cameron that made out with a few other girls while Jessica pursued him.
Probably the best scene, a scene better than anything in the first two seasons, was a date between a girl named Rocky and her boyfriend Alex. She really wanted an adult like commitment from Alex, and for some reason, maybe because she was only 16, completely missed the fact that poor Alex was blessed with the personality of a raisin. So anyway, they're on the date, and Rocky wants to gauge Alex's feelings, and she gets nothing. An awkward silence ensues, until Alex takes Rocky by the hand, and examines her bracelet, which says "Live and Love" on it.
"Live and Love"? He said.
"Yep."
"... Do you... live... and love?" (I'm serious, he said it!)
"...I love you..."
Big pause.
"...yeah...I... love you too... I think..."
That was my holiday weekend party favor. Everyone that stopped by got to see that. Of course, Alex dumped Rocky right after that, for whatever teenage boy reason, then came clamoring back when he couldn't find a better chick. And equally as predictable, Rocky took him back, because she needed a prom date, and apparently she mistook Alex's telling her what he thought she wanted to hear for his being really sweet to her some times. God, I loved it.
It's nice to know that teenagers are the same now as they were twenty years ago when I was in high school.
Mads: Mads Family Christmas
I have six children from seven different women-- that I know of. Once a child can prove that he or she is mine, said child is entitled to not only a certain chunk of my vast estate, usually an amount the courts deem palatable; but these children and their moms are also invited to join in the Mads Family Christmas.
I spare no expense for these celebrations, and this year was no different. We have trampolines, karaoke, semi-famous musical acts like Vertical Horizon and JC Chasez, and of course, elephants. How can you have a big celebration without elephants?
There's nothing specifically Norwegian about my Christmas party, and in fact, my promiscuity would make many of my fellow countrymen cringe, but I like it, and that's what counts.
Speaking of which, I have a feeling I'll be getting a call from the mother of child number 3 any day now... I think I slipped one past the goalie, if you know what I mean.
I spare no expense for these celebrations, and this year was no different. We have trampolines, karaoke, semi-famous musical acts like Vertical Horizon and JC Chasez, and of course, elephants. How can you have a big celebration without elephants?
There's nothing specifically Norwegian about my Christmas party, and in fact, my promiscuity would make many of my fellow countrymen cringe, but I like it, and that's what counts.
Speaking of which, I have a feeling I'll be getting a call from the mother of child number 3 any day now... I think I slipped one past the goalie, if you know what I mean.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
