Magic Lock up the Eastern Conference Before Season Starts

Despite the major moves by the Celtics and Heat bringing in Kevin Garnett and Penny Hardaway respectively, it looks like the Magic are making a big push to solidify their position as the East's best with their signing today of former Colgate standout Adonal Foyle.

In lieu of getting a chance to talk to Bill Walton, I had Mads, my Norwegian companion, who does a killer Walton impersonation, discuss the impact this will have on the East.

"Adonal Foyle is the best big man since Hakeem. Other than maybe Shaq or Mark Blount, no one can touch Foyle's post presence. I don't see how any team in the Eastern Conference can stop the Magic's dominance."

Sir Ian McKellen was wholly unimpressed.

"Why must you guys always pick on my man Mark Blount?"

"Mark Blount is the greatest force the basketball court has ever seen. He's the greatest center since Tony Battie."

Poetry Slam

After my lack luster poetry performance, which of course I did after my really great performance, I finally decided to get back in there. Gwen entered me into an improvisational poetry contest, where everyone entered had to out poetry everyone else in a one-on-one winner stays loser goes home format.

I'll spare you the gory details. Many of these kids were in over their heads. It took little wit to beat them. In the finals, I won with this:

Bobby McFerin

Oh Bobby, why
why did you leave us, why
Don't worry, be happy,
I thought it was a commitment.
Not a cheap slogan to a catchy pop tune.
Oh Bobby, why
why did you grow dreadlocks, why
and become a classical conductor
When we needed a follow up hit
you abandoned us,
left us with Chumbawumba and
The Macarena
Oh Bobby, why
Why is your video the only one
with Broadway legend slash
guy who may not even exist
Bill Irwin in it
Oh God Bobby,
I'm too worried to be happy now.

Not bad, eh?

Mads: Peter Weller

People often ask me: Mads, do you have any Man Crushes? Well, beyond the obvious like Didier Drogba and Tom Brady, I do have one. You may know him as Robocop, but I know him better as Peter Weller. He is the coolest man I know of. Not only does he make any bad action movie good by his mere presence, but he also is a history professor with a PhD who contributes to History Channel documentaries. This man is my idol.

I just saw a film recently called The Hard Easy which starred the guy from E.T. and the guy from Angel and the film makers were in over their head when they cast Weller. They did great at the beginning, giving him great one-liners as he plotted a diamond heist. But they didn't know how to wrap it up. They had him shot in the heart in some kind of goofy send-up after the heist went bad. Dumb. They needed Weller having a one-on-one showdown with co-star Gary Busey. That would've been an ending.

I'd like to make my own movie someday with Weller and Didier Drogba. I wouldn't make the mistakes other film makers have. Weller would get his due. Maybe it would be an Indiana Jones rip-off, with Weller as a famous history professor seeking out some kind of adventure. And Drogba's his right-hand man. A guy can dream, right?

Mayor McCheese: C'mon Cubbies

Well, here it comes again. Baseball season is almost here. It should be another punch in the gut season from the Cubbies.

Now I'm sure you're thinking "Mayor, I thought you didn't care about specific teams, just about the bottom line for McDonald's." Well, you're right, but here my favorite team overlaps my need for McDonald's to make more money. Look at last year's World Series: crap. No one gives a shit about Detroit St. Louis outside of those two cities. On the other hand, the Red Sox in '04 got some of the biggest ratings ever. Imagine what would happen if the Cubs make the show? Even better, if they go seven games, lose, then make it again? Oh my God, it'd be like an orgy of cash. Football may be America's current national pastime, but everyone outside of Milwaukee, St. Louis, and the White Sox roots for the Cubs. And when they root for the Cubs, they watch our commercials.

Mas-Debate

We've had some Democratic candidate debates recently, and big Hube has been involved, making his intentions to run known. I must say, he's been doing a great job.

During the YouTube debate, he said this after a question on the Iraq War:

"Nice question. Liked it better three weeks ago when Brian Williams asked it during his debate. That's why this whole format is ridiculous. You let these morons with no concept of the realities of the American political machine waste our time with frivolous, stock questions. Things were so much better back in '68."

Though very correct in what he said, his comments were censored out.

After a question on gay marriage by two lesbians in the same debate, he said this:

"You two don't look like you're wanting for any meals, if I may say so. As such, maybe we should feed all the hungry people and get all the kids who don't have health care affordable medical treatment. Then we'll worry about whether or not you can get married. God, things were so much easier back in '68."

Unfortunately these comments were also censored out. I'm worried, because Hube is running a distant fourth behind Clinton, Obama, and Edwards in Iowa. It's no feather in one's cap to beat Dennis Kucinich (sp?). I also told him his gay marriage logic was dumb, because if it's the non-issue he's saying it is, then gay people should just be allowed to be married. He was so annoyed with me he sent me out for venti iced lattes from Starbucks.

Mads: Peter Weller

People often ask me: Mads, do you have any Man Crushes? Well, beyond the obvious like Didier Drogba and Tom Brady, I do have one. You may know him as Robocop, but I know him better as Peter Weller. He is the coolest man I know of. Not only does he make any bad action movie good by his mere presence, but he also is a history professor with a PhD who contributes to History Channel documentaries. This man is my idol.

I just saw a film recently called The Hard Easy which starred the guy from E.T. and the guy from Angel and the film makers were in over their head when they cast Weller. They did great at the beginning, giving him great one-liners as he plotted a diamond heist. But they didn't know how to wrap it up. They had him shot in the heart in some kind of goofy send-up after the heist went bad. Dumb. They needed Weller having a one-on-one showdown with co-star Gary Busey. That would've been an ending.

I'd like to make my own movie someday with Weller and Didier Drogba. I wouldn't make the mistakes other film makers have. Weller would get his due. Maybe it would be an Indiana Jones rip-off, with Weller as a famous history professor seeking out some kind of adventure. And Drogba's his right-hand man. A guy can dream, right?

The Hills is Back

I hadn't been keeping up with what was on MTV too much lately. I've really only been rockin' with Making the Band 4. That's why I was shocked when I got a phone call from Sir Ian McKellen a little after ten pm the other night.

"Where the fuck are you?"

"I don't know, where the fuck're you?"

Luckily they re-aired The Hills season opener a couple hours later. It looked like we were in for a good season.

"Who was that dork our Audrina was hooking up with?" Mads, my Norwegain companion said. "Look at his hair and that hat. He looks like a clown."

"He looks like a clown," I said. "Because he's barely 21 years old. You're a thirtysomething man watching them on TV. What's your excuse?"

"Hey," Sir Ian said. "I take offense to that. The Hills might be the best show on American television since Seinfeld."

I couldn't argue with him there. I asked Matty what he thought a couple days later.

"I'm too emotionally bereft to think today. One of the Bush Twins is off the market."

"As far as you were concerned, she was never on the market."

"At least I've still got a crack at Condy."