Mayor McCheese: The "R" Word

We don’t know if it’s official, but people are saying it, so it must be true: we’re in the throws of a recession. The "R" word, and you know what that means: big profits for McDonald’s. No one wants to eat anywhere fancy when they ain’t got no cash, but Mickey D's is where it’s at.

Even if we aren’t in a recession, just the mere mention of it causes our stocks to jump. All we need is MSNBC and FOXNews to scare people, and it’s like free advertising.

The Mayor's Back

It had to happen eventually. Mads, my Norwegian companion's, new McDonald's franchise with it's fresh take on the old fast food titan was generating a lot of heat. Newspapers, magazines-- even the Today show had former Giants standout Tiki Barber stop by (which delighted Mads, because Tiki was his favorite player). With all this attention, we knew you-know-who would have to come out of hiding and make an appearance, and he did.

I was sitting in the corner with Matty, my personal biographer, eating a McRibb while Matty played with a Mac Tonight doll he got in his Happy Meal, when we saw him. He showed up in a dirty and torn Ron Paul for President T-shirt and ripped, faded jeans. He didn't go to the counter to place his order, but rather went straight to a booth, and sat down, putting his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. Mads saw this, and sent his son, Aidan, over to take his order.

"I'm the fuckin' Mayor, bitch! Give me ten cheeseburgers."

"You know you can get ten double cheeseburgers for the same price, or even five double cheeseburgers with the same amount of meat as ten regular cheeseburgers for half the price."

The Mayor grabbed him by the shirt and pulled the poor boy close, eyeball to eyeball.

"Look at my fuckin' head, junior. Do you think I'm kidding you when I say I want ten cheeseburgers?"

The boy shook his head quickly.

"Do you think I don't know what kind of menu options a McDonald's offers?"

The boy shook his head again. At this point Mads felt his son had dealt with enough, and he stepped in.

"Go get the man his ten cheeseburgers."

The Mayor ignored Mads and went back to sitting with his head in his hands. Mads sat down across from him and lit a cigarette.

"You know," the Mayor said. "McDonald's has banned smoking from all its franchises."

Mads took a big drag and exhaled.

"Yep. And the state of Massachusetts has banned smoking in all of it's restaurants. What the fuck do I care? Go ahead and fine my ass."

The Mayor looked up and stared at Mads for a second. Then he laughed.

"We've had some interesting times together, Mads..."

"Yes, most of them involve you pointing a gun at me and me having to put you to sleep with a rear-naked choke."

Mads' son brought the food and set it quickly in front of the Mayor. Mads gave the boy twenty bucks and told him to go on his break. The Mayor Dove into his food.

"Let's get down to brass tacks here, Mads. I've been in hiding for a long time. That 'We're into nuggets y'all' thing really put a hurtin' on my sensibilities, you know?"

Mads took another drag.

"Will this take long, because I got work to do."

"Listen, man, I think you got a good thing going here, and I want to help."

"What makes you think I want your help?"

"Oh, come on, dude! You know how I get down. 20, 10 and 5, every night."

"I think that's Kevin Garnett."

"Whatever. I'm the fuckin' Mayor. What you're doing here: it's the reason why I got into this in the first place."

"Look at yourself. You're a fucking mess. What good can you do me?"

"Give me ten minutes."

"Fine. Get changed. There's a bathroom out back. I'll also need you to fill out a W-2."

He jumped up and ran to the bathroom, very excited.

"What do you think of that?" I said to Matty.

He looked up from his doll.

"...the shark has... sharp teeth and...What?"

"Nevermind."

Mayor McCheese: I'm Back Bitches

As I looked at myself in the mirror of Mads' bathroom at his new McDonald's, fixing my sash and making sure my hat was on straight, I breathed a large sigh. Relief? Maybe. Perhaps more likely, I was breathing a new life into my once tired bones. It had been a long time coming.

I thought back to months before: a commercial that turned my stomach. Two young men... We're into nuggets y'all... ketchup and mayo... the pain was near unbearable. I went to the man in charge and expressed my outrage. Was this what it had come to? My arguments fell upon deaf ears. "This is what's in," Ronald told me. "Viral videos. Customer generated content. This is the YouTube generation." "But it's not," I pleaded. "This is so bad. It's not LonelyGirl15 or OK Go!, this is two losers sending you a dumb video. You're annoying the people of America!"

The fight became more heated, and I threw my sash and hat into the bin on my way out. Ronald did nothing to make me to stay, so convinced was he that his New Way was the path to venture. I was so disgusted, I went into hiding, playing Grand Theft Auto for hours on end, and reading Dos Passos' USA trilogy. But then, a voice spoke to me from beyond.

It was the Hamburgler. His Robble Robble told me all I needed to know. My old adversary, Mads, decided to open his own McDonald's franchise. He was serving Fois Gras extra value meals, and bringing back old favorites like the McRibb and the McJordan. I felt like I was needed again. I had a new purpose. I didn't even change my clothes, just left in what I was wearing, and drove straight from Chicago to Massachusetts in my beat-up Chevy Celebrity.

Now I'm back, and I'm ready to put the horrible past behind me. I had kids to entertain, lives to change. I took one last look in the mirror, and made my way out there, into the great unknown.... It was gonna be one hell of a 2008!

Franchise

I came back to my apartment the other day to find Mads, my Norwegian companion, perusing the Internet on his laptop.

"When did you get a lap top?" I said.

"I needed it so I could look this up on the Internet."

"You didn't want to use my computer?"

"What?"

"Nevermind. What're looking at?"

"McDonald's franchise information. I'm thinking of owning one."

"Did you talk to The Mayor?"

"What?"

"The Mayor... did you ask his advice?"

"He's gone AWOL."

"AWOL?"

"Yeah, after that 'We're into nuggets y'all' commercial, he had a falling out with Ronald and no one's heard from him since."

"Wow. I didn't know that."

"I thought you did."

"Well, I didn't. Anyway, where do you plan on opening a McDonald's?"

"I don't know. I just liked the idea of having my own, you know, where I can go and get stuff whenever I want. I don't really care if it's not successful and I'm hemorrhaging cash."

"Yeah, I can see that."

Mayor McCheese: So There

What was I doing dating a stripper? Sure, they're all kinds of hot, but a little nutty too, if you know what I mean?

So anyway, I'm dating this chick named Neveah, heaven spelled backwards. At least that was her stripper name, which isn't bad for a stripper name. Her real name was Betty, I think, but it doesn't matter.

I had Ronald over the other day, because I needed to sign some papers. This was like noonish, and Neveah comes thundering in, telling me she needs me to get her an 8-ball toot sweet. Of course the whole thing was kind of embarrassing, because Ronald was there, and I hate it when he judges me.

I tried shooing her off, but she was too strung out to get the hint, and started screaming at me to not patronize her. I needed to do something quick. I threw a Rubik's Cube at her, hitting her above the eye, which caused her to fall back and hit her head on the corner of a table. Upon examination, I realized I'd killed her. I'd acted again without thinking. Ronald sighed.

"Another mess you need me to clean up for you, I guess."

I snapped my fingers, and Big Mac aficionado Ron Gorske and the Hamburglar wrapped the body up in plastic and set to work sanitizing the area.

"I should have this one under control," I said. So there.

Mayor McCheese: Big Mac Turns 40

1967. Not a bad year at all. Much better than 1968, if you ask most folks. I personally wasn't around then, and there was a good reason for that: my raison d'etre had not been created. The Big Mac.

The Big Mac, beyond being perfect as a burger, did more for fast food than any other invention, other than maybe the drive-thru. It is difficult to imagine myself, or my fellow McDonaldland citizens, including Ron Gorske, existing without it. It's also difficult to imagine Burger King, Wendy's, or Taco Bell having anywhere near the kind of success they've had without these two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun.

In order to boost lagging car sales, GM invented a sense of patriotism around their brand, that, though moot due to the fact Chevys are now built in Mexico, caused many Americans to buy their cars over Toyotas or Hondas, which are built here. The reality is that the Big Mac, not the Chevy, is America in all its glorious, yet raunchy self. Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood can write all the songs they want, but nothing will ever tell the world America's story-- even better tell us America's story-- than that edible slice of Americana.

Go out an buy a Big Mac today, and know that that's what America is supposed to taste like.

Mayor McCheese: C'mon Cubbies

Well, here it comes again. Baseball season is almost here. It should be another punch in the gut season from the Cubbies.

Now I'm sure you're thinking "Mayor, I thought you didn't care about specific teams, just about the bottom line for McDonald's." Well, you're right, but here my favorite team overlaps my need for McDonald's to make more money. Look at last year's World Series: crap. No one gives a shit about Detroit St. Louis outside of those two cities. On the other hand, the Red Sox in '04 got some of the biggest ratings ever. Imagine what would happen if the Cubs make the show? Even better, if they go seven games, lose, then make it again? Oh my God, it'd be like an orgy of cash. Football may be America's current national pastime, but everyone outside of Milwaukee, St. Louis, and the White Sox roots for the Cubs. And when they root for the Cubs, they watch our commercials.

Mayor McCheese: McBranding to Kids

We did it. I just read it in the Chicago Star-Telegram: kids think food tastes better just by virtue of being wrapped in a McDonald's wrapper. It feels great.

According to the study, kids felt carrots and milk tasted better when in McDonald's containers, and didn't like our burgers as much when not packaged with our brand. Though the official line is that this is bad for the youth of America, behind closed doors, we're all doing the Tiger Woods "I just hit a birdie on the 18th to secure another major" pump fist.

This is what you live for.

Mayor McCheese: Limited Late-Nite Menu

Me and Hamburglar were taking a break from some late night partying, and we figured, what better than to hit some McDonald's. We piled in my Caddy and made our way down to the local 24-hour drive-thru. Neither of us had done this before.

"Yeah, I'll have 20 Double Cheeseburgers and 20 Small Fries and a parfait."

"I'm sorry sir, but we only have a limited late night menu, which does not include the Dollar Menu."

"Yeah, but I'm the fucking Mayor. I own you, bitch."

"Actually, no, Ronald owns me."

The next day I had a little talk with Ronnie.

"You see, Mayor, we've looked over the cost/benefit analysis of our menu. After midnight, when we dump certain items, especially the Dollar Menu, our profits skyrocket. Let me put it another way: if we had a full menu after midnight, your monthly checks would be cut in half."

"Fine, whatever. But we should advertise that instead of making commercials with guys taking food out of other guys' dreams."

"No we shouldn't."

He had a point.

Mayor McCheese: McDonaldland's Gay Club

Sometimes life in McDonaldland, especially when one is the Mayor, can be hectic. We need to let off some steam.

That's when I hit SuperSize Me, the neighborhood gay bar. I know what you're thinking, and perish the thought: I'm straight. But I can only dance to one kind of music, and that's Gay House. So I toss my suit and sash in the closet and throw on my designer jeans and form fitting T-shirt and let my bun down to the sounds of a house remix of "If I Can Turn Back Time".

The best is seeing Ron Gorske. He can't dance for shit.

Mayor McCheese: Attention Mayor

I received this troubling e-mail the other day:

Attention Mayor

Greetings,

I write to seek your services in a private and confidential matter regarding some funds unaccounted for in our bank here in Ghana during the last 2006 business year. As a Regional Manager in this Bank, I deposited this fund in an ESCROW ACCOUNT at our headquarters pending when I shall get a reliable person. This requires a private arrangement. Could you perhaps be able to receive these funds under legal claims then I will fill you in. I will appreciate for fewer questions asked and your participation will be 30%of the total money.

There are practically no risks involved, the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law, it will be simply a bank-to-bank transfer. I have all the details and will fill you in if you are really willing. Your major role would be to provide an existing account or open a new bank account where the funds will be transferred and stand as the original depositor of this fund in our bank,as long as you will remain honest to me till the end for this important business trusting in you and believing that you will never let me down either now or in future.

At this juncture, I wish to tell you what prompted me to package this deal.I have a 9yrs old daughter who has leukemia, a disease of the blood, and she needs a bone marrow transplant or she will die. I want this transplanting to be done in any good children's hospital in your Country, if there is one.Once this fund is transferred into your account, I shall resign from my job and bring my family to start a new life in your country all correspondences will be via email and my private phone number: [censored] for now.

The funds in question are quite large,Ten million ,eight hundred and fifty thousand United States Dollars ($10,850,000.00). I will expect a straight answer from you. If yes, please get back to me with your full name, address, private phone and fax number so that we can work out the modalities without further delay including your phone number for easy communication..

With best regards,

Mr.Richard Kofi Addo

I contacted Ronald, who told me under no circumstances was I to go to Ghana. But I had revenge on my mind: no one uses kids to extort money, especially not in McDonaldland.

Mayor McCheese: DC Madam Scandal

I got a call from Ronald's office that he needed to see me. I had an idea of what it could be.

"Come in and sit down, Mayor."

I did.

"Have you seen this?"

I looked at the Chicago Tribune headline reading "Burger Icon Snared in Madam Scandal."

"I don't know what to tell you, Ronald."

"I know, and I think that's what distresses me the most."

Mayor McCheese: Burger Con... Um, nope

After the success of the King's underground marketing campaign, Ronald's gotten nervous. He's afraid we'll lose the Superfan, i.e. the 18-28 male demographic that eats Kit-Kats for lunch.

The problem here is two-fold. First, I should be the McDonald's answer to the King. With my stints on Conan and with the dude from Cobra Starship saying I was in his band, people still dig me. Unfortunately I'm unavailable due to the horrible Sid and Marty Kroft settlement. If McDonald's uses me in an official advertising capacity, they're done.

The second problem is that we aren't after the Superfans. They'll come to us regardless. We need the rest of them. We need the kids whose parents don't have time to cook dinner. We need the worker with a short lunch hour whose got no other option. We need the family coming home from a road trip whose stopping in to grab something to eat that's quick and right off the highway.

I brought up my concerns to Ronald and he laughed.

"You just don't get it, do you, Mayor?"

Mayor McCheese: Jumping in Paul Newman

As I may have mentioned before, our coffee is the bomb, and everyone is digging it. We have Paul Newman, he of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, The Hustler, and The Long Hot Summer, to thank for this, as McDonald's has had a long standing partnership with his Newman's Own brand, the same brand which makes the coffee.

Now, we don't just let anyone into our gang. You need to earn your stripes, you know what I mean, so when the deal was finalized that we'd feature Newman's Own products in our store, I invited Mr. Newman to my house so he could be initiated properly into our ranks. He needed to be jumped in.

He knew something wasn't right when he saw the whole crew minus Ronald surround him. Officer Big Mac shut the door.

"What's going on here?" He said.

"Robble robble, robble robble."

"That's right, Hamburglar, it's initiation time. Guys, masks on."

We all pulled down our hockey masks and moved in his direction. He was lucky, though. Ronald stopped in just in time and pulled him out of there. Apparently Grimace couldn't keep his trap shut.

Mayor McCheese: Mayor, the Substitute

Sometimes I need to make some alternative sources of income so I have something to show Uncle Sam when tax time comes. One of the jobs I'll take from time to time is a substitute teacher.

It's an easy gig. I bring tons of MckeyDees for the kids, fill out a bunch of library passes, and put The Jerry Springer Show on the TV. For that, I earn $75. At the same time, I can keep my pager active, and conduct other business.

Ronald called me into his office the other day. It seems my activities as a sub were giving the company a bad name. We aren't supposed to blatantly promote kids eating that much of our food, and my presence in the Windy City's school system contradicts this. Ronald agreed to repay my lost wages by doctoring the books and saying I cleaned toilets part-time. Though I had to accept his decision, I was disappointed. I enjoyed working with America's youth.

Mayor McCheese: No More Sopranos

I caught the last Sopranos like everyone else did last night. I'm not sure what to think. If the idea is that that was an open-ended ending, then it's the worst case of hack writing I've ever seen. If the idea was that you never see the one with your name on it, then it's a cool ending.

I must say, I was more worried about how the episode killed the boring NBA Finals in the ratings. The Sopranos, as I'm sure you already know, is on HBO, which means we don't earn any advertising during it. On the other hand, we have a lot invested in the NBA Finals. I think I'm gonna talk to Ronald, and see about us getting an endorsement deal with the UFC.

Mayor McCheese: Michelle Wie

There have been reports lately that women's golf phenom Michelle Wie has been less than friendly at the pro-am down here at Bulle Rock before the McDonald's LPGA Championship. I can tell you first hand that this is true, yet not true.

I did my work for the company along with my other McDonaldland characters as caddies for the Wie group. I watched as the people who paid thousands of dollars tried to engage her in conversation, and I watched as she seemingly rebuffed their attempts.

This was not exactly the case though. My time on the streets has given me life experiences the average rich businessman paying to play with Wie in a pro-am will never dream of. One of those is in seeing teenage prostitutes. Like Wie, they're very young, interact only with adults, and are told how to think and what to do by their pimps. We can't be surprised that Wie's difficult to talk to when she has no idea how to properly communicate.

I invited her out to have a milkshake with Grimace and me afterwards, but she declined, saying Nike and her dad wouldn't like that.

Mayor McCheese: The McFundamental

With the Spurs in the NBA Finals going for their fourth title in the post-Jordan Era, I thought it'd be nice to talk about our new sandwich, the McFundamental. In the tradition of the McJordan and the Big 33, burgers made in honor of Michael Jordan and Larry Bird respectively, we released the McFundamental for Spurs power forward Tim Duncan. It's a hamburger with ketchup, mustard, onions, and two pickles on it.

In order to pay special tribute to Tim Duncan's under appreciated success, especially with all the Lebron hype, you can't order the McFundamental by name, but have to ask for a "hamburger". If you ask for the McFundamental, the kids working behind the counter will act like they don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know about you, but with my Bulls out of it, I'll be rooting for Tim Duncan and Robert Horry to lead the Spurs to victory against the Cavs.

Mayor McCheese: Our Coffee Rules

I've been hearing for quite some time now that our coffee at McDonald's was the bomb. I figured it was time I gave it a try. Boy, let me tell you, it was a nice slice of all right.

While I was waiting for them to ring my order, I heard a familiar voice humming the Pet Shop Boys' "What Have I Done to Deserve This?", which was playing overhead.

"Since you went away... I've been hanging around... I've been wondering why... I'm feeling down..."

"Moon Knight?"

I turned, but it was one of his alter egos, the cab driver guy. He put a finger to his lips. I nodded.

"I just came to get some of those cool Shrek glasses."

Mayor McCheese: My TV Appearence

I just had to announce this: I've got a stint as a baddie that may turn into a reoccurring role in the new hit crime drama Juglass and the Ant Man. It's really cool. I'm in episode 3, "Don't be McGlibb", where I play an evil Scientologist who kills his assistant to cover up my embezzling of Scientologist funds. It's really great. The show should be airing soon on Wednesday nights at nine on the ION network, right after Alice reruns.