I had a dream the other night that I was in a bar, and the guy next to me looked a lot like Billy Ocean.
"You know, you look a lot like Billy Ocean," I said.
"That's because I am," he said.
A juvenile delinquent at the juke box turned on Bryan Ferry or Roxy Music's (I can never remember which) "Slave to Love".
"Wanna dance," I said.
"I thought you'd never ask," he said.
We slow danced. It felt like the final dance at the prom, where the geeky Anthony Michael Hall type finally gets to dance with the Molly Ringwald he pined over for the bulk of the movie-- only I was dancing with Billy Ocean, and I'd never pined over him.
The next day I was with Mads at McDonald's, and the same song was playing above us. I told him about my dream.
"Dude," he said, "you're totally gay."
"I'm totally not. Besides, you read your horoscope. That's gayer."
"I did that once... I was just curious... whatever... you gonna finish your fries?"
"Um hmm."
Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Sans "E"
My stomach hurt bad. Probably my Indian food. I had to find a bit of Maalox. What's on TV? Man Band? Oh My God, that's ridiculous. Color Him Fat, no doubt. I wanna [blank] you up... all night...
What is Chris Kirkpatrick doing? Guy's old as I am. I want a Man Band with Moz, Damon Albarn, Ringo, Larry Mullins... whoa, two guys that drum... is that too much? I want Iggy Pop in it too.
Ooh, Maalox, slowly coating my innards. Umm... now I'm hungry again. Old naan, that should work. Is that "Mandy" playing? That Dracula, what'm'I gonna do with him? Oh Mandy, you hmm hmm hmm hmm without taking... and I hmm hmm away...
Ow, naan probably not a good plan at all. Gotta find my Maalox again. Chris Kirkpatrick, ha ha, what a tool.
What is Chris Kirkpatrick doing? Guy's old as I am. I want a Man Band with Moz, Damon Albarn, Ringo, Larry Mullins... whoa, two guys that drum... is that too much? I want Iggy Pop in it too.
Ooh, Maalox, slowly coating my innards. Umm... now I'm hungry again. Old naan, that should work. Is that "Mandy" playing? That Dracula, what'm'I gonna do with him? Oh Mandy, you hmm hmm hmm hmm without taking... and I hmm hmm away...
Ow, naan probably not a good plan at all. Gotta find my Maalox again. Chris Kirkpatrick, ha ha, what a tool.
Hall and Oates: Comprehensive
Daryl Hall just bought a house in my biographer Matty's hometown of Kittery, and to celebrate we listened to the best Hall and Oates greatest hits CD ever, Hall and Oates: Comprehensive.
The track list has in chronological order all twelve top ten singles the band had from the early 1980s, starting with "Kiss On My List" all the way to "Method of Modern Love"; then has "Everytime You Go Away", which Paul Young covered and made the most played song of 1985; after is their cover of "You Lost That Loving Feeling"; then you got three great 70s classics in "Rich Girl", "Sara Smile", and "She's Gone". Last but not least, the CD includes Change of Season's "So Close". The disc is a pure gem.
Whenever I mention the CD, the people I talk about it to are always incredulous that Hall and Oates had 12 top ten singles in the 80s. Most recently, Mads, my Norwegian companion, tried to name them all.
"Okay, 'Kiss On My List', um, 'Maneater'... 'Private Eyes', right?"
"That's three, keep going."
"'Method of Modern Love'... 'Say it Isn't so'... geez... um... 'Family Man'?"
"You're half way there."
"I know, and like Tommy and Gina, I'm livin' on a prayer... um... um... 'Adult Education'? Was that one?"
"Keep going."
"Man... 'Out of Touch', right?... okay, okay... I can do this... 'I Can't Go For That'!"
"Easy, killer, you still got three more."
"Three more? I thought I had two."
"You're at nine."
"Ah Christ... um... okay... 'You Make My Dreams Come True'!"
"Okay, two more."
"What?" He thought for a second. "Oh, 'Say It Isn't So', I can't believe I didn't already say that one."
"That's because you did."
It took another ten minutes before he finally gave up. The two he missed were "Did It in a Minute" and "One on One". He was pissed.
"Those were not top ten singles. I don't even remember them."
"Hey, big buddy, I don't make the rules, I just follow them."
The track list has in chronological order all twelve top ten singles the band had from the early 1980s, starting with "Kiss On My List" all the way to "Method of Modern Love"; then has "Everytime You Go Away", which Paul Young covered and made the most played song of 1985; after is their cover of "You Lost That Loving Feeling"; then you got three great 70s classics in "Rich Girl", "Sara Smile", and "She's Gone". Last but not least, the CD includes Change of Season's "So Close". The disc is a pure gem.
Whenever I mention the CD, the people I talk about it to are always incredulous that Hall and Oates had 12 top ten singles in the 80s. Most recently, Mads, my Norwegian companion, tried to name them all.
"Okay, 'Kiss On My List', um, 'Maneater'... 'Private Eyes', right?"
"That's three, keep going."
"'Method of Modern Love'... 'Say it Isn't so'... geez... um... 'Family Man'?"
"You're half way there."
"I know, and like Tommy and Gina, I'm livin' on a prayer... um... um... 'Adult Education'? Was that one?"
"Keep going."
"Man... 'Out of Touch', right?... okay, okay... I can do this... 'I Can't Go For That'!"
"Easy, killer, you still got three more."
"Three more? I thought I had two."
"You're at nine."
"Ah Christ... um... okay... 'You Make My Dreams Come True'!"
"Okay, two more."
"What?" He thought for a second. "Oh, 'Say It Isn't So', I can't believe I didn't already say that one."
"That's because you did."
It took another ten minutes before he finally gave up. The two he missed were "Did It in a Minute" and "One on One". He was pissed.
"Those were not top ten singles. I don't even remember them."
"Hey, big buddy, I don't make the rules, I just follow them."
A Wide Stance
I had to pick up Gwen at the airport the other day, which is weird, considering I don't drive, so I was just meeting her at her gate so we could both take the T back home.
Anyway, I'd hit this Chinese food buffet about 2 hours before, and absolutely killed the fucker, but it was hitting me back with a case of the ol' Delhi Belly, and I needed to make a trip to the bathroom. While in the stall, a man touched my foot with his from the stall next to me. Then I saw his hand come into mine from under the barrier. I freaked out. In my current position, I was helpless. So I yelled out to him to cut the shit.
"Sorry, I just have a wide stance. My foot tends to wander."
"How do you explain the hand?"
"Reaching for toilet paper...?"
No dice. I called the airport police from my phone, and they saved me. The man was in fact trying to solicit gay sex from me. According to his statement to the police, he thought I was sitting there waiting for him, because he couldn't smell any offending odor coming from my stall, hence I'd have only one other motive for sitting in an airport bathroom. That damn courtesy flush, it works every time. Wide stance my ass.
Anyway, I'd hit this Chinese food buffet about 2 hours before, and absolutely killed the fucker, but it was hitting me back with a case of the ol' Delhi Belly, and I needed to make a trip to the bathroom. While in the stall, a man touched my foot with his from the stall next to me. Then I saw his hand come into mine from under the barrier. I freaked out. In my current position, I was helpless. So I yelled out to him to cut the shit.
"Sorry, I just have a wide stance. My foot tends to wander."
"How do you explain the hand?"
"Reaching for toilet paper...?"
No dice. I called the airport police from my phone, and they saved me. The man was in fact trying to solicit gay sex from me. According to his statement to the police, he thought I was sitting there waiting for him, because he couldn't smell any offending odor coming from my stall, hence I'd have only one other motive for sitting in an airport bathroom. That damn courtesy flush, it works every time. Wide stance my ass.
The Duke
The Duke was in town today. I refer to him affectionately as "The Puke", because I'm hella funny like that. Mads, my Norwegian companion, refers to him by a much more sinister moniker.
"Shit fuck's in town? Ah, Christ, now I gotta find someplace to walk for a while."
"Why don't you take a trip on the Red Line? That always works."
"Whatever, dude."
The Duke is officially named Richard Stratfordshire, the 32nd Duke of Deepcheekston, which is somewhere on the coast or near it. If he's just met you, he loves telling you about himself. This was what happened when he met Matty on his recent stay:
"I do say, have you ever been near England before?"
"Well, I was in it, so I'd say that's pretty close."
"Um, of course, but not as close as some others who have been near it, but not in it, if you know what I mean?"
"I think I can conceive your meaning."
"Um, yes, make sure you do."
I had a chance to play bridge with The Puke before he left. He fell ill after some bad potato salad, and murdered my bathroom.
"God damn it man," he said. "Why is there so little water in your toilet. You're like one of those God awful Germans who like to analyze their shite."
"I think they also dislike what they call 'The Splashback Effect', which I'm sure you can understand on some level."
"I can indeed old boy. Those Germans are almost as bad as the Dutch. And you know who's worse than them?"
"Let me guess..."
"The Norwegians. Tell me you're not still carousing with that deviant character Mads. Nothing good would ever come from taking a slice of the old apple with a dirty Nordic."
"You're saying I'd be all at sixes and sevens?"
"If your bloody lucky."
"Shit fuck's in town? Ah, Christ, now I gotta find someplace to walk for a while."
"Why don't you take a trip on the Red Line? That always works."
"Whatever, dude."
The Duke is officially named Richard Stratfordshire, the 32nd Duke of Deepcheekston, which is somewhere on the coast or near it. If he's just met you, he loves telling you about himself. This was what happened when he met Matty on his recent stay:
"I do say, have you ever been near England before?"
"Well, I was in it, so I'd say that's pretty close."
"Um, of course, but not as close as some others who have been near it, but not in it, if you know what I mean?"
"I think I can conceive your meaning."
"Um, yes, make sure you do."
I had a chance to play bridge with The Puke before he left. He fell ill after some bad potato salad, and murdered my bathroom.
"God damn it man," he said. "Why is there so little water in your toilet. You're like one of those God awful Germans who like to analyze their shite."
"I think they also dislike what they call 'The Splashback Effect', which I'm sure you can understand on some level."
"I can indeed old boy. Those Germans are almost as bad as the Dutch. And you know who's worse than them?"
"Let me guess..."
"The Norwegians. Tell me you're not still carousing with that deviant character Mads. Nothing good would ever come from taking a slice of the old apple with a dirty Nordic."
"You're saying I'd be all at sixes and sevens?"
"If your bloody lucky."
Mads' Bad News
I can only find the underwear I want at stores that cater to gay men. If you've ever been to one of these stores, you know that they blast house music-- it's like Abercrombie, only gayer.
Anyway, Mads, my Norwegian companion, and I were at one of these places so I could pick up some undergarments. A remix of Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" was playing above us.
And I know that I'll miss you like a child misses it's blanket...
"Ooh, Ginch Gonch!"
"I have something I have to tell you," Mads said.
"What? I can't hear you!"
He took me into the dressing room.
"I have something I have to tell you."
"Um, okay...?"
"I've been told by my doctors that I have to stop drinking."
"What? How can this be?"
"Oh, it be all right."
He looked deflated. I needed to cheer him up, but Merlin Olson wasn't around with a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet, so I went with the next best thing.
"What do you say we blow this pop stand and go home and I'll make you some of those Chilean-style hot dogs you like so much?"
"But I thought we were out of mayonnaise and avocados."
"I just got some at the store yesterday."
There was a loud knock at the door.
"Hey boys, the hotel's down the street. Get a freakin' room."
I looked at Mads, and he knew what I was thinking. Before we left the store, we took the clerk and hung him on the coat hook in the fitting room by his underwear.
Anyway, Mads, my Norwegian companion, and I were at one of these places so I could pick up some undergarments. A remix of Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" was playing above us.
And I know that I'll miss you like a child misses it's blanket...
"Ooh, Ginch Gonch!"
"I have something I have to tell you," Mads said.
"What? I can't hear you!"
He took me into the dressing room.
"I have something I have to tell you."
"Um, okay...?"
"I've been told by my doctors that I have to stop drinking."
"What? How can this be?"
"Oh, it be all right."
He looked deflated. I needed to cheer him up, but Merlin Olson wasn't around with a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet, so I went with the next best thing.
"What do you say we blow this pop stand and go home and I'll make you some of those Chilean-style hot dogs you like so much?"
"But I thought we were out of mayonnaise and avocados."
"I just got some at the store yesterday."
There was a loud knock at the door.
"Hey boys, the hotel's down the street. Get a freakin' room."
I looked at Mads, and he knew what I was thinking. Before we left the store, we took the clerk and hung him on the coat hook in the fitting room by his underwear.
Mads: Laid Up
I had a touch of the something or other the other day, so I went to the doctor's to see what was wrong with me.
"When was the last time you saw a physician?" The doctor said. She was kind of hot.
"Man, I don't know. In 1992 I broke my elbow trying out a kid's skateboard."
"Fifteen years?"
I did some quick computations.
"That sounds right."
"Jesus Christ. Take off your pants."
She did a full work-up on me.
"Here's what we've got Dr. Olaffsson" (I loved being called doctor) "you need to stop drinking."
Dun-Dun-Daaaaaaa!
"When was the last time you saw a physician?" The doctor said. She was kind of hot.
"Man, I don't know. In 1992 I broke my elbow trying out a kid's skateboard."
"Fifteen years?"
I did some quick computations.
"That sounds right."
"Jesus Christ. Take off your pants."
She did a full work-up on me.
"Here's what we've got Dr. Olaffsson" (I loved being called doctor) "you need to stop drinking."
Dun-Dun-Daaaaaaa!
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