Hey, Hey, Gonzales

Martha Stewart invited me to her Christmas party a month ago. It was the bash of the season. She had midgets dressed as elves, robotic reindeer, and a perfectly executed hors d'oeuvres spread, which all came together in a cacophony* of holiday magic.

I found myself in a conversation about Robert Mugabe's regime in Zimbabwe with Diddy, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and fashion designer Michael Kors. Due to my personal friendship with Mugabe, I tried to be extra critical to avoid seeming biased.

"See, I can get behind seizing all the farms and giving them to black people," Diddy said. "But all that stuff with him shutting down newspapers: that's just whack."

A small man came rushing past us with a Virginia honey baked ham, a bottle of tequila, and an elf draped on his back. Martha was following, yelling:

"Hey, hey, Gonzales…"

I shrugged my shoulders and continued.

"I know what you're saying about the whites having all the good farm land, but I think the expropriation was more a means to deflect attention from how poorly Mugabe was running the country..."

[*Writer's note: I know what cacophony means.]

Martha Stewart Party

Last Fall I attended this Martha Stewart party with my Norwegian companion, Mads, at her place in the Hamptons. The invitations employed a perfect color scheme of Earth tones like Burnt Sienna and Aztec Brick. The party was as pretentious as the invitations suggested it would be.

Somehow I lost Mads and found myself in a conversation with one of the guys from The West Wing that wasn't Martin Sheen, Diddy, and Dr. Phil about the realistic chances of anyone catching Chelsea for the Premiership. I was certain that Jose Moreno couldn't keep the team playing at that high a level for the whole season, and that Man Utd. would make a charge, much to my chagrin, being an Arsenal fan. Diddy was about to rub in Tottenham's success when a waiter approached us with an hors d'oeuvres platter.

"Wo ist meine Fleischpastete?" [Where is my meatpie?].

He was twitching. I scowled at him and replied:

"Dir hat man wohl ins Gehirn geschissen und vergessen unzuruhren." [Someone must've shit in your head and forgot to stir, or "You're crazy."]

He dropped the platter, then walked off in a stilted manner. A few minutes later Martha ran frantically into the room.

"Thank God I've found you, man. Please tell me you've seen my German robot."