Jonathan Frakes

Gwen, the Cappie, told me her sister ran a bed and breakfast in Belfast, ME. I'd never been there before, so I thought I'd give it a try.

The first thing we did was grab a pizza some place called Alexei's or something. I was kind of annoyed when this chubby older guy bumped me in line. He was apologetic, so I let it go. Then Gwen got antsy.

"That's... th-th-that's..."

"What? It's what?"

"He's..."

This weird smile popped up through chubby guy's salt-and-pepper beard. He held out his hand.

"Jonathan Frakes, don't you remember me?"

I racked my brain. How could I know this guy? Wait, did he say Jonathan Frakes?

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," I said. "Yes, I remember you."

"How is your Norwegian companion? He was in pretty bad shape from what I remember."

He laughed and slapped me on the back.

"Yeah, Mads and Jaeger isn't good."

Well, needless to say, Gwen was shocked that not only did we bump into Jonathan Frakes, but that I knew him from a party Patrick Stweart threw a long time ago. So long ago, in fact, that I didn't recognize the inflated version of Cmdr. William Riker sitting in front of me. He invited us over to lobsters with his wife, Laura of Luke and Laura fame. It was kind of annoying, because Gwen acted like a fool around him the whole time. It was worse than when I introduced her to Stan Lee.

My Train Concert

I went out drinking a few nights ago, and man, was I wasted when I got home. So wasted, in fact, that I had to resort to listening to the cool sounds of Mom Rock to keep the bed from spinning.

I fell asleep while Train's "Meet Virginia" was on, and I had a dream that I was at a Train concert. I was surrounded by tons of early to late forty something moms, all rocking out and trying to look like their teenage daughters. I was in heaven.

I flirted with a couple of the hotter ones, and they were feeling it; they were having a wild girls night out, you know.

That's when it happened. One of the women's faces abruptly turned into Bobby Ewing (also known as Patrick Duffy). I tried to pull away, but she/he kept inching closer, calling me "JR". Right as his lips touched mine, I sprang to.

I was in bed with Patrick Stewart, and he'd turned on Dallas on the Soap Network.

"What are you doing in here?"

"Your couch was very uncomfortable… sorry."

"It's okay. Turn up the TV so I can hear it."

My Recent Trip to Germany

I was at an outdoor cafe in Hamburg, drinking a beer. Two Germans walked by, and I heard one say:

"...at that point I'd had the diamond-shaped butt plug in for 23 hours."

I shuddered, and went back to sipping my drink. A man, looking for an empty seat, approached my table.

"Is this seat taken?"

He was Patrick Stewart. I told him it was his, and he joined me. The same two Germans passed by us again.

"...then it popped out, right in the middle of the check-out line."

We looked at each other. I spoke first.

"You know, my hotel has a great bar in the lobby..."

"I thought you'd never ask."