My Trip to the Jerry Springer Show: 150th Episode Spectacular

I didn't really have much going on over the week, and Gwen, the Cappie, asked if I wanted to accompany her to the comic book convention out in Chicago. I thought that was a great idea, so I went.

The highlight of the trip out there was our visit to The Jerry Springer Show, the title of which was "Moms, Daughters, and the Mayor McCheese". Gwen and I were dying while the Mayor made an ass of himself on stage. The girl he was supposed to be pimping out's mother would routinely slap him across his big cheeseburger head.

I got a little crazy grinchy idea during the second group of guests, when the Rev. Shnorr married a young couple against the wishes of the groom's mother. I asked Gwen what she thought.

"Get married? You and me?"

"It's not a real wedding, as in no one in America save this show would recognize it as a legal union, but I think it might be a cute, fun thing to do."

"All right, let's do it."

I signaled Todd over during the break, and he asked the executive producer, who seemed all right with it. We just had to wait through a couple of audience comments.

That's when it happened: Mads was singled out by Jerry for his Nobel prize winning exploits, which prompted Mads to start a shouting match with the Mayor. It was insane. Gwen was a little taken aback, while I was trying to keep from wetting my pants. Then Mads jumped on the pole and took his clothes off. It was all too much.

Finally our moment arrived, and we went to their little alter.

"I think I'd like to have my buddy Mads act as my Best Man."

I looked over, and could see his eyes misting up a bit. He left his pole, and joined me at my side, while the Rev Shnorr read our vows.

It was great fun, but at the same time, I couldn't help wondering if the Cappie was as good as it gets... was she The One...

Nonsense, fake marriage with the Rev Shnorr is way better than real marriage: why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Mads and his Iranian buddy Abdul Karim spent the rest of that evening with Gwen and me. It was like old times, only we were in a city that was slightly foreign to both of us; and the Mayor was lurking about, looking for a shot at my former Norwegian companion.

He got his chance when we were all hanging out in my hotel suite. The door was busted open, and the Mayor, wearing some black Zorro mask over his eyes, came barging in, joined by the Hamburglar.

"Get buck naked, bitches!"

"Robble robble, robble robble."

Gwen, Abdul, and I all put our hands up. Mads was in the bathroom. In a flash, he jumped from behind a potted plant, and onto the back of the Mayor. In the confusion, I threw a Gideon bible at the Hamburglar, and the Iranian and I were able to subdue him.

"Who's getting buck naked now, motherfucker?" Mads said, as he worked his anaconda like magic around the Mayor's neck.

"Fuck you, Mads. This isn't the last you've heard of me. You've lost your Chicago privileges... biiiiitch..."

And with that, he was out. We called Ronald McDonald from the corporate headquarters near by to come scoop them.

The next day we said our goodbyes at the airport: Gwen and I heading back to Logan, Mads and his Iranian flying out to Rio.

"Come on, Mads, come back to Boston with me. We have enough room for your Iranian. Let's bring back the old good times."

"In due time, my good friend, in due time."

And with that, he was off. Farvel, Mads, and may Godspeed... you'll always be my Norwegian companion...

Mads Special Edition: My Trip to the Jerry Springer Show: 150th Episode Spectacular Intro

I got a call from some people in the Windy City that they wanted me out there to be honored at a dinner for ornithologists held at the University of Chicago. I didn't have anything else to do, so I packed up some clothes and Abdul Karim, and we flew out there.

Despite a few problems in customs with Abdul, the trip was rather uneventful, as was the dinner. The whole "honoring Mads" thing was getting old. On the day before our last I day in the city, Abdul and I made a stop at The Jerry Springer Show to see what was going on. The title of the episode they were taping was "Moms, Daughters, and The Mayor McCheese". Oh, we're going.

At first we were told there weren't any seats left, but when word got out that I'd won the Nobel prize, they found two seats toot sweet.

The Mayor was everything I expected him to be. To call him an old friend is a tad misleading. He is an extremely unpredictable individual in a very uncouth way. The last time we were together, the night ended badly; but in an environment like this, it was great to watch and see what he'd do next. It was the difference between encountering a lion in the jungle, or at the zoo.

When Jerry announced my presence to the crowd, I knew it was my time to lob a few aluminum cans over the bars to agitate the caged animal.

"Why in God's name are you here on The Jerry Springer Show, if you've won the Nobel prize?"

"Two reasons: first, I'm here to support that triflin' cheeseburger pimp, The Mayor McCheese!"

He stood up, right into the waiting arms of Steve.

"I'ma' kill you mothafucka!"

I put my arms up.

"Come on, burger bitch! You ain't got a gun this time. I put you to sleep like a little baby the last fucking time even when you did! Watchyou think you gonna do?"

"Oh, I don't need a gun to fuck your ass up, you dirty Norwegian!"

"A'ight, bitch, get a bar!"

"I gotchor bar right here, mothafucka!"

The crowd was going nuts. Jerry was laughing and trying to keep it together. I was up near the stage, and the security people were holding us a part. Finally, things calmed down some, and Jerry spoke to me:

"Okay, okay… you two obviously have some history. What, I have no idea… but anyway, you said there were two reasons why you were here. We saw the first… what is the second?"

"I wanna go on the pole, Jerry!"

They led me over, and I climbed up to the top, leaned all the way back so I was upside-down, and I slowly slid to the bottom. It was pandemonium. I pulled off my shirt when Todd had the crowd chant for me to, and my designer jeans as well. Once that calmed down, Jerry went back into the audience to talk to more people. That's when it happened:

"Hi Jerry, my home girl Gwen and I would like to be married by the Rev. Shnorr."

"And let me get this right, you know our Nobel prize winner who's on the pole over there."

"Yes, he was my former Norwegian companion."

Mayor McCheese: My Trip to the Jerry Springer Show, 150th Episode Spectacular Prologue

I got a call from The Jerry Springer Show the other day asking if I could appear as a guest. The girl who I was acting as a pimp for was being confronted by her mother to stop her street walking. I figured it'd be all right, and I put on my best suit and sash, and made my way over there.

While I was backstage waiting to go on, I heard LaQuisha (my prostitute) out there arguing with her mom. She was saying how I don't ask her for much money and I don't beat her. She showed the audience the tattoo of the Golden Arches on her left buttcheek that symbolizes that she's my ho, which Jerry and Steve loved. Then they called me out.

I was booed, and I threw a bunch of Big Macs and Arch Cards into the crowd. LaQuisha's mom was right in my face, and Tony had to move her away. Finally I sat down.

"Hi, Mayor McCheese, it's an honor to have you on our program."

"It's an honor to be here, Jerry."

"Okay, you heard what was said backstage…"

"Listen Jerry, it's like this: LaQuisha was all runnin' up on me sayin' "my daddy's no good… he beats me… he don' take care o' me… will you be my new daddy? So I'm like, a'ight… McDonald's had just put out it's new coffee, an' I had some paper in the bank, so I went to her daddy, and I paid to have her released."

"You bought her off the pimp?"

"Fo' sho' Jerry. If I didn' buy her, she'd hav' ta get beaten out by his bottom bitch, an' I know his bottom bitch, and she don' wan' none o' that."

Laughter.

"Okay, so LaQuisha's mom wants her to stop. Will you let her quit?"

"Sure, I don' own tha' bitch. But she don' wanna stop, ya 'eard me?"

We went on like that for a little longer, and then we went to the green room while another group came out and fought. Some guy's mom didn't want him marrying his girl. Eventually the Rev. Shnorr did the mock wedding ceremony.

After another break, we were called back out for audience questions. That's when it happened.

"I have just been informed that we have a Nobel prize winner in our audience today. This would mark the first time we've ever had a Nobel prize winner within ten miles of this studio. Could you please stand up… Mads!"