Juglass and the Ant Man

Matty the Mainer and his buddy Ian decided to enter into the Crime Drama genre, with a police series call Juglass and the Ant Man. Here, they take their character Juglass, based on their friend of the same name, and pair him up with Ant Man, a half man half ant dude. The two not only solve crimes for the local police department, but they're also battling their way through the pro tennis circuit.

"What makes you think this'll be any better than You, Me, and Juglass?" I said.

"The Ant Man. He's what makes it better."

I can't argue with that logic.

Mads: A Love Grown Cold

I sat in my suite, as Kansas's "Dust in the Wind" played overhead, and watched a montage of clips of things Abdul Karim and I did. There was a knock at the door. It was Juglass and the Ant Man. They had some camping equipment all packed up in their arms.

"Hey, we're gonna hit the road. We're sorry about your friend."

"It's okay, Juglass. He needed to be written out of the plot anyway."

His dad stopped in.

"Hey, can we take any of that in our car? We have extra space."

They handed him some stuff. Juglass went over to the empty rabbit cage on the other side of the room. The Ant Man pulled out a wad of cash.

"Where'd you get that?"

"I won it in an Internet poker tournament last night," Juglass said.

"Not bad."

There was a spit take behind me.

"Jesus, these rabbit pellets are stale."

"No shit Sherlock, I killed the rabbit two months ago when it was fat enough to make my Rabbit in Barolo Wine Sauce dish."

We said our goodbyes, and they left.

Mads: That Would be Cheeeeees-y

As we stood there in a stalemate, with Juglass' shaking like a leaf, his gun pointed in T-Bone's face, I was getting annoyed. I wanted something to happen. T-Bone never said a word, never changed expression, but slowly lifted his right hand and snapped his fingers. In a moment the place was raining Party Mix and ninjas. I ducked behind a boiler for cover. The ninjas had pictures of Juglass on their chests, framed by the words "Beaver Ultimate".

As the boys were dispatching their adversaries, T-Bone tried to get away. A dolphin with a box on his head jumped in and tripped him with his fin, knocking T-Bone into a vat of something.

"You have the right to be dead," the dolphin said, and he threw a lit Zippo into the vat, causing a huge explosion.

"Jesus, did you see that?" I said. "The talking dolphin just killed T-Bone."

"The dolphin wasn't talking," Juglass said. "The box was translating for it. If the dolphin talked, that would be cheeees-y."

Ant Man hit him upside the head and handed him a broom.

"Why am I cleaning up the Party Mix?" He said.

"I think it's because you have all the experience from playing curling."

The Ant Man nodded.

Mads: Showdown in Regular Rio

When I got back to my suite, I made a drink and slumped down in my chair. I found a rerun of Sanford and Son, and figured I'd use that to lower my blood pressure after had just transpired. I was wrong.

Juglass and the Ant Man were at my door again.

"Come on. We got word on the whereabouts of the kingpin-- the man we've been chasing the whole time."

Ant Man hit play on a boom box, and Foreigner's "I Wanna Know What Love Is" started. I wasn't really sure what to do. There was a montage of clips of Juglass and the Ant Man readying their arms, putting on war paint, and tying bandanas on their foreheads. I made myself another drink.

The song continued as we drove silently in Juglass' Subaru wagon to the docks. There were a bunch of Uzi toting bad guys manning some ship, and I knew this was our target. I kind of stayed behind while they made their way to the man they termed The Kingpin. I thought I could avoid any danger, but I was stuck with an Asian stereotype dude wielding some weirdly shaped knives. He slashed me a couple times, and even though it hurt, it didn't seem to affect my ability to attack him. I managed to get him to the ground, where I broke his arm with a jiu-jitsu move.

When I finally made it to the control room of the boat, I saw the Ant Man and Juglass holding some minotaur like creature at gun point. The thing looked like a sports mascot, and he had the name "T-Bone" on the back of his jersey. Ant Man kept saying things to Juglass, and Juglass was holding his sawed-off in T-Bone's face, shaking violently. I stepped in.

"Hey, Juglass, do you need a candy bar or something."

"This man embarrassed me at the AHL All-Star Game."

Mads: Game, Set, Match... ish

What a mess. None of us really planned out this meeting with the baddies well. Now I was hiding under a table, dodging stray bullets.

The idea was simple: I'd meet the guys at a restaurant, undercover cops would play fellow patrons, and Juglass would play our waiter. The Ant Man stayed behind in a van, listening in. I'd hint at this or that, and try to trap the bad guys into incriminating themselves.

My buddy Fred and some angry looking man came in and sat at my table. We did our introductions and how-you-beens, and then Juglass came and took our orders.

"Can I start you guys off with something to drink?"

"A TNT," I said.

"Manhattan," Fred said.

"A Blue Moon with a slice of orange," the other guy said.

"You sure you want an orange in your beer?" Juglass said. "Wouldn't you want a lemon?"

"No, it tastes better with an orange."

"Um, Okaaaay..."

"What're you, patronizing me?"

"Hey," I said. "Just take it off his TAT* number."

But it was too late. An all out ballroom blitz ensued. I dove behind a table. From what I could see, it was pretty crazy. Ant Man ran in, and with his superhuman strength and ant-like reflexes, he was throwing furniture and people around. Juglass was dispatching as many as he could with his frisbee and a set of darts he found behind the bar.

What a day...

*TAT= Total Adjusted Tip, a numerical system used to determine a waitperson's tip based on overall service.

Mads: Love and a Fireblanket

"Can I help you fellas?" I said.

"You could start by telling us who the dead man is on your floor." Juglass said. The Ant Man mumbled something inaudible to him. "I know that's the guy we just played tennis against. I just wanted to see if he knew. What do you mean that doesn't make any sense?"

I sighed.

"Listen, Mads, we're not tennis players." Ant Man hit him on the arm. "Okay, we are tennis players... but we're also police detectives, and we came down here to Rio to follow a white slavery ring. Your buddy Hermon was working for us as a police informant. We were about to blow the case wide open before that stuff happened a few minutes ago."

The Ant Man mumbled some more to him. They started arguing.

"I got an idea guys."

"Okay, we're listening."

"Do you want to take a seat?"

"Yeah, sure, give me a second."

Juglass pulled out a purple inflatable couch, and blew into it. He and the Ant Man sat on it in front of me.

"Here's what I got," I said. "What if I agree to meet the guys that left this note tomorrow morning?"

"What if we just go down to Foxwoods and live off cold Dominoes pizza for a few days." The Ant Man hit him on the arm again. I assumed if I could make out the Ant Man's mumbles that he'd have been saying "would you stop!"

We had a party that night to kill time before the big meeting the next day. Juglass hit it off really well with this nice Brazilian chick, while the Ant Man and I played Gin. Juglass took her into another room of my suite, then emerged a few minutes later.

"Hey, Mads, do you have... like... a fireblanket?" The Ant Man shot him a death stare. I looked at him and then at Juglass and shrugged my shoulders. He went back with his woman and shut the door.

"You know," I said. "You two make a great team."

He shook his head at me, and we had a good laugh. There was a knock at the door. The Ant Man drew his gun, and I hid behind a potted plant. It was Juglass's dad. He was in the next suite over, and thought we might want some of his peach cobbler.

Mads: Let's Make a Deal, Rio Style

I don't know why, but I called the number on the note.

"We have what you want. Meet us at noon tomorrow with the stuff, and no one gets hurt."

"What are you talking about?"

"We have your friend. Bring the stuff tomorrow."

"My friend's dead. You hit him with a throwing star."

There was some discussion going on in the background.

"Is your name Steve?"

"No, it's Mads."

"Mads? Holy shit. Mads Olafson."

I recognized the voice.

"Fred, what the hell are you doing?"

"Not much man. I got this gig working tech for--"

It cut off. I closed my phone. There was a knock at the door. I answered it. It was Juglass and the Ant Man, only now they were wearing long rain coats and cheap suits.

Mads: Big Trouble in Little Rio

It's all over but the crying. I'm an expert tennis player. I have to be, being I'm an affluent European. Abdul Karim's a great player too, being an affluent Iranian, which makes him only slightly less than an affluent European. So I took a bet. A bad bet.

A man in town named Hermon (her-MON), who has a lot of cash and likes to gamble, wagered me that Abdul Karim and I couldn't beat his team of tennis players. I figured he had to have ringers.

No. Instead it was Juglass and some half man/half ant creature known only as the Ant Man. I watched them play for a bit, and they seemed beatable. I took Hermon up on his challenge.

We lost, but barely. Ant Man would occasionally not return our serves. Juglass would sometimes swing at the ball and miss. But at the same time, when they needed points, they seemed to get them. Ant Man would use his ant-like reflexes, and Juglass would be impossible to beat at the net. They served for the match, and won, three games to two.

After the game, we barely made it out of the tennis courts alive. Apparently I'm not the only one who's been wagering with Hermon. A pack of wild ninjas stormed the court, looking for some kind of payment. Ant Man used his superhuman strength and Juglass used his amazing Frisbee prowess to protect Hermon, while we scaled the fence and made a run for it. When we got home, I found out the bad news: Abdul Karim took a stray throwing star to the back. There was a note attached: "Let's make a deal 555-4179!"

"Damn."

Mayor McCheese: My TV Appearence

I just had to announce this: I've got a stint as a baddie that may turn into a reoccurring role in the new hit crime drama Juglass and the Ant Man. It's really cool. I'm in episode 3, "Don't be McGlibb", where I play an evil Scientologist who kills his assistant to cover up my embezzling of Scientologist funds. It's really great. The show should be airing soon on Wednesday nights at nine on the ION network, right after Alice reruns.