Mads: Let's Make a Deal, Rio Style

I don't know why, but I called the number on the note.

"We have what you want. Meet us at noon tomorrow with the stuff, and no one gets hurt."

"What are you talking about?"

"We have your friend. Bring the stuff tomorrow."

"My friend's dead. You hit him with a throwing star."

There was some discussion going on in the background.

"Is your name Steve?"

"No, it's Mads."

"Mads? Holy shit. Mads Olafson."

I recognized the voice.

"Fred, what the hell are you doing?"

"Not much man. I got this gig working tech for--"

It cut off. I closed my phone. There was a knock at the door. I answered it. It was Juglass and the Ant Man, only now they were wearing long rain coats and cheap suits.

Mads: Big Trouble in Little Rio

It's all over but the crying. I'm an expert tennis player. I have to be, being I'm an affluent European. Abdul Karim's a great player too, being an affluent Iranian, which makes him only slightly less than an affluent European. So I took a bet. A bad bet.

A man in town named Hermon (her-MON), who has a lot of cash and likes to gamble, wagered me that Abdul Karim and I couldn't beat his team of tennis players. I figured he had to have ringers.

No. Instead it was Juglass and some half man/half ant creature known only as the Ant Man. I watched them play for a bit, and they seemed beatable. I took Hermon up on his challenge.

We lost, but barely. Ant Man would occasionally not return our serves. Juglass would sometimes swing at the ball and miss. But at the same time, when they needed points, they seemed to get them. Ant Man would use his ant-like reflexes, and Juglass would be impossible to beat at the net. They served for the match, and won, three games to two.

After the game, we barely made it out of the tennis courts alive. Apparently I'm not the only one who's been wagering with Hermon. A pack of wild ninjas stormed the court, looking for some kind of payment. Ant Man used his superhuman strength and Juglass used his amazing Frisbee prowess to protect Hermon, while we scaled the fence and made a run for it. When we got home, I found out the bad news: Abdul Karim took a stray throwing star to the back. There was a note attached: "Let's make a deal 555-4179!"

"Damn."

Mayor McCheese: My TV Appearence

I just had to announce this: I've got a stint as a baddie that may turn into a reoccurring role in the new hit crime drama Juglass and the Ant Man. It's really cool. I'm in episode 3, "Don't be McGlibb", where I play an evil Scientologist who kills his assistant to cover up my embezzling of Scientologist funds. It's really great. The show should be airing soon on Wednesday nights at nine on the ION network, right after Alice reruns.

AC Milan

Many of you know that Man Utd. played AC Milan yesterday for a chance to go to the Champions League final. Man Utd. was one goal up on aggregate, so they just needed to score one and play defense, and they were in pretty good shape.

Of course, I knew better. Utd. never plays well against Milan in Italy. Also, Patrice Evra was out on a yellow card suspension, which severely deteriorated their defense. I took as many bets as I could at 3-to-1 odds, and cleaned the hell up. Milan won 3-0, 5-3 on aggregate.

The best bet was the one I made with Sir Ian McKellen. This one wasn't for money. Instead, he had to walk around Harvard Square in a bunny suit. In perhaps the greatest irony, no one recognized him, assumed he was a street performer, and he made $22.37 in tips. Not a bad deal if you ask me.

Now I gotta think about the final...

Mads: My Trip to the Holy City

Abdul Karim was needed back home. His uncle, a Shi'ite cleric, had passed away. He invited me, and considering I hadn't been to Iran before, I was excited.

At the funeral in the holy city of Qom, a woman caught my eye. She had an amazing face, and these beautiful curves that seemed to poke out from under her chadora. She noticed me too.

I made the rounds meeting everyone. My Persian is pretty bad (I needed my Boston friend with me: he's fluent, being the foremost expert on Iranian cinema in North America), and most of Abdul Karim's family spoke poor English... except the woman from the funeral. She was Abdul Karim's cousin, and she learned English at a very young age in one of the Shah's educational programs.

Well, it didn't take long before Fatima (that was her name), and I snuck off to some secluded area. The whole thing was a disaster. First off, she was a virgin, so not very good in the sack (a 39-year old virgin?); second, her family caught us, and I barely escaped with my life; third, without Abdul Karim's driver, I had to ride a mini-bus back to Tehran, which broke down twice, and rolled over once, killing two passengers; finally, at the airport, I saw Abdul and Fatima. Abdul brokered a compromise with his family, which involved me marrying Fatima.

Iran is not as quaint as their movies would have you believe. I needed a drink.

A Rough Game of Asshole

I was playing Asshole the other night with Gwen, Matty the Mainer, Hubert Humphrey, and Steve Levy from ESPN. Matty was cleaning up as President, and it was difficult to deal with. He called himself "El Presidente" and referred to everyone else as part of his administration. He gave us all nick names like "Randolph" and "Buck jr.", and made people drink for obnoxious reasons like saying you liked Dodgeball or The Sopranos, or for not knowing who the Chancellor of Germany is.

This had to stop. Even though Matty referred to his reign as a benevolent regime, it was anything but. I needed a snack, so I went through some old Chinese in the fridge, and found a lone Fortune Cookie. I opened it up:

A man with no thumbs does not eat potato chip well.

Wow, it was right. It made complete sense. I went to work. I mixed up a Manhattan for everyone, walked uncomfortably into the dining area, announced my presence, then tripped over Gwen, and spilled the drinks all over the cards. Everyone freaked out for a second, then when they realized I hadn't spilled on them personally, they calmed down.

"That's my only deck of cards. I guess we gotta do something else."

We all went over to watch an episode of Flavor of Love Girls Go to Charm School I had TiVoed, but I pulled Matty aside as we did.

"I will never play that game again if you're within ten feet of the room."

His eyes widened.

"I knew it, you bastard. Ed Rush derailed me!"

Mayor McCheese: Cult of the Mayor

About three years ago, Chi Town was getting me down, and I felt it was time to get on the road. I hit up a used car dealership and picked up a Volkswagen bus. Then I scooped my Ethiopian Orthodox Bible and some Ethiopian food, and went to a Todd Agnew and Hillsong/Delirious? Christian rock concert. I set up shop with some of the other evangelists outside my VW bus.

The kids seemed intrigued, and I just reeled them in. I told them the true book, unfiltered by the old Catholic Church, is in the Ethiopian Orthodox Bible. I told them the food I was eating was the same that Jesus ate. Then I had them tell me about themselves. I endeared myself to the ones who said their parents had money, and recruited them onto the bus. I travelled the Christian rock circuit, living off kids' parents, and pocketing the profits. It was a real uplifting experience.