Our Trip to New York

Boston is great, but sometimes we need a break, so me, Gwen, Sir Ian McKellen, Hubert Humphrey, and Matty the Mainer made a trip down to the Big Apple. We decided to take in an amateur night at a comedy shack.

The comedian was horrible, and no one was really enjoying it, except for a few pity laughs. At the end of the set, he made a joke about his kid taking a dump on the floor, and his response to it.

"What... should we rub his nose in it?"

You could almost hear the crickets, until Ian Mckellen stood up. Oh shit, I thought, here it comes:

"Why doesn't someone rub your nose in this set so you don't do it again? You suck."

The comedian tried to respond, but was drowned out by the cheers and laughter. Luckily for us, no one recognized him as Magneto from X-Men, or we'd've heard about it in the tabloids.

Wings Hauser Sighting

I was watching some 90210 on SOAPNet. It was the episodes where Dylan needed to get his money back from the family that scammed him. Those, of course, have Wings Hauser in them.

So I stop by the Ramrod after to see some friends, and what do you know, there's Wings at the bar. I went to shake his hand, but he was ranting and raving about something.

"I know a rule's a rule," he said. "But God damn it! You can't suspend Amare for a game, it taints the series!"

Everyone around him looked scared. He grabbed a skinny gay guy by his oversized polo shirt collar.

"The Spurs were the one who should be punished! Horry's the one who threw the hip check!"

I wondered if I should call the cops. But that was unnecessary. At that same moment, David Stern walked into the bar.

"Wings, I'm not sure what you're complaining about. Amare knows the rule. If you leave the bench during an altercation, it's one game."

"But your series will be decided by undeserved suspensions."

"Now you stop it. If those suspensions impact the series, it'll be Amare's fault, because he knew the rule, and he broke it. Don't be glib."

"I'm sorry, you're right..."

Wings went over and hugged him. I felt my pulse slow considerably. It was going to be a nice afternoon after all.

The Minotaur

Matty the Mainer stopped in the other day to show me his new project, The Minotaur. I was intrigued.

"Dude," I said. "Do you know how many movies have been made about minotaurs?"

"Not like this one."

He showed me some screen shots. The Minotaur was actually an action hero. He wasn't your standard mythical minotaur, but rather a dude with a bull's head that was the kind of black and white spotted deal you'd expect to see on a farm.

"What the hell are you doing?" I said.

"What? It's good, right?"

"Yeah, except you stole the idea from those soy milk commercials."

"Damn, I didn't think anyone would notice."

Mads: Game, Set, Match... ish

What a mess. None of us really planned out this meeting with the baddies well. Now I was hiding under a table, dodging stray bullets.

The idea was simple: I'd meet the guys at a restaurant, undercover cops would play fellow patrons, and Juglass would play our waiter. The Ant Man stayed behind in a van, listening in. I'd hint at this or that, and try to trap the bad guys into incriminating themselves.

My buddy Fred and some angry looking man came in and sat at my table. We did our introductions and how-you-beens, and then Juglass came and took our orders.

"Can I start you guys off with something to drink?"

"A TNT," I said.

"Manhattan," Fred said.

"A Blue Moon with a slice of orange," the other guy said.

"You sure you want an orange in your beer?" Juglass said. "Wouldn't you want a lemon?"

"No, it tastes better with an orange."

"Um, Okaaaay..."

"What're you, patronizing me?"

"Hey," I said. "Just take it off his TAT* number."

But it was too late. An all out ballroom blitz ensued. I dove behind a table. From what I could see, it was pretty crazy. Ant Man ran in, and with his superhuman strength and ant-like reflexes, he was throwing furniture and people around. Juglass was dispatching as many as he could with his frisbee and a set of darts he found behind the bar.

What a day...

*TAT= Total Adjusted Tip, a numerical system used to determine a waitperson's tip based on overall service.

Mads: Love and a Fireblanket

"Can I help you fellas?" I said.

"You could start by telling us who the dead man is on your floor." Juglass said. The Ant Man mumbled something inaudible to him. "I know that's the guy we just played tennis against. I just wanted to see if he knew. What do you mean that doesn't make any sense?"

I sighed.

"Listen, Mads, we're not tennis players." Ant Man hit him on the arm. "Okay, we are tennis players... but we're also police detectives, and we came down here to Rio to follow a white slavery ring. Your buddy Hermon was working for us as a police informant. We were about to blow the case wide open before that stuff happened a few minutes ago."

The Ant Man mumbled some more to him. They started arguing.

"I got an idea guys."

"Okay, we're listening."

"Do you want to take a seat?"

"Yeah, sure, give me a second."

Juglass pulled out a purple inflatable couch, and blew into it. He and the Ant Man sat on it in front of me.

"Here's what I got," I said. "What if I agree to meet the guys that left this note tomorrow morning?"

"What if we just go down to Foxwoods and live off cold Dominoes pizza for a few days." The Ant Man hit him on the arm again. I assumed if I could make out the Ant Man's mumbles that he'd have been saying "would you stop!"

We had a party that night to kill time before the big meeting the next day. Juglass hit it off really well with this nice Brazilian chick, while the Ant Man and I played Gin. Juglass took her into another room of my suite, then emerged a few minutes later.

"Hey, Mads, do you have... like... a fireblanket?" The Ant Man shot him a death stare. I looked at him and then at Juglass and shrugged my shoulders. He went back with his woman and shut the door.

"You know," I said. "You two make a great team."

He shook his head at me, and we had a good laugh. There was a knock at the door. The Ant Man drew his gun, and I hid behind a potted plant. It was Juglass's dad. He was in the next suite over, and thought we might want some of his peach cobbler.

Mayor McCheese: Our Coffee Rules

I've been hearing for quite some time now that our coffee at McDonald's was the bomb. I figured it was time I gave it a try. Boy, let me tell you, it was a nice slice of all right.

While I was waiting for them to ring my order, I heard a familiar voice humming the Pet Shop Boys' "What Have I Done to Deserve This?", which was playing overhead.

"Since you went away... I've been hanging around... I've been wondering why... I'm feeling down..."

"Moon Knight?"

I turned, but it was one of his alter egos, the cab driver guy. He put a finger to his lips. I nodded.

"I just came to get some of those cool Shrek glasses."

Makin' It Rain

Hubert Humphrey wanted to let a load off with all this stress from the campaign, so I took him to a strip club. Maybe not such a good idea.

He took a briefcase full of campaign funds my niece helped us raise, and started throwing money around. We got a VIP room, and he "Made it Rain" on the dancers as they showed us their stuff on the pole. He yelled these outrageous statements like:

"That's right bitch, I'm the only man who's ever been both the senior and junior senator of a state."

Or:

"I knew John F. Kennedy. How many of those rap guys can say that?"

Report of the incident was all over MSNBC the next day.