If you haven't noticed, Sasquatch is everywhere. He does beef jerky commercials, Stone Cold Steve Austin ice cream commercials, and Beastie Boys videos. I talked the other day with his agent, Slick McPetervitch.
"Yeah, you'd be surprised how many calls we get to put Sasquatch in things. People love him."
"Yeah, it makes sense. I mean, if I had to sell something, I'd want him as my spokesperson."
"Well, it's not just that. If you're doing a camping comedy, it's better to hire Sasquatch as the kooky camping danger, than a bear or something. I mean, you hire the bear, you need a bear wrangler, PETA needs to supervise... it's just more hassle than it's worth."
"Yeah, with Sasquatch you've just got to deal with SAG."
"Exactly."
"Yet, on the other hand, I've heard Sasquatch has become something of a diva, and has crazy demands like DVDs of Guys Gone Wild."
"Believe me, he deserves it. He's worked hard for what he has."
"I bet he has."
Monday, July 30, 2007
Runny Nose Observations
I've never had a moustache. By the time I could successfully grow one, they weren't so cool for my age bracket. They still hold some fascination, though. This is especially true when I see a guy whose moustache has collected his post-nasal drip. It's a very utilitarian function, if you ask me.
I've always been obsessed with how to deal with a runny nose in an emergency without a Kleenex or toilet paper or something. I remember, when I was in kindergarten, a boy sneezed, and this snot blasted out of his nose and onto his upper lip. I was outraged, because his mom sent him to school in a short sleeve shirt. You don't send a kid with a cold to school in a short sleeve shirt, I thought. It just seemed obvious, and it stuck with me to this day.
"What the hell are you staring at?"
It was the man with the moustache and runny nose. I scraped my upper lip with my index finger, and he hastily turned his head and cleaned it with his pocket square.
"Thanks man."
Why was he thanking me? I didn't think I was informing him about his drippage, I thought I was indicating my marvel at his moustache's ability to stop said drippage. Whatever.
I've always been obsessed with how to deal with a runny nose in an emergency without a Kleenex or toilet paper or something. I remember, when I was in kindergarten, a boy sneezed, and this snot blasted out of his nose and onto his upper lip. I was outraged, because his mom sent him to school in a short sleeve shirt. You don't send a kid with a cold to school in a short sleeve shirt, I thought. It just seemed obvious, and it stuck with me to this day.
"What the hell are you staring at?"
It was the man with the moustache and runny nose. I scraped my upper lip with my index finger, and he hastily turned his head and cleaned it with his pocket square.
"Thanks man."
Why was he thanking me? I didn't think I was informing him about his drippage, I thought I was indicating my marvel at his moustache's ability to stop said drippage. Whatever.
Mads: Ripped Abs
I was sitting at an outdoor cafe, smoking a cigarette, reading Baldwin's Nobody Knows My Name, killing time before a dinner date with my Boston friend. Roxy Music's "More Than This" played overhead. I saw a teal Mercedes drive by. At least I thought it was teal.
More than this...
A man approached me from the other side of the waist high metal bars that kept me from the sidewalk.
"Wanna try Axe Body Spray's new scent, Ripped Abs?"
I exhaled a couple smoke rings. I saw a man at another table, as if from a bygone era, in a suit with shoulder pads, his hair slicked back in a pony tail, talking into a huge Zack Morris cellphone. I pointed him out to the whisper thin fella offering me the Ripped Abs.
"Want me to stick the antenna to that guy's phone up your ass?"
Mayor McCheese: McDonaldland's Gay Club
Sometimes life in McDonaldland, especially when one is the Mayor, can be hectic. We need to let off some steam.
That's when I hit SuperSize Me, the neighborhood gay bar. I know what you're thinking, and perish the thought: I'm straight. But I can only dance to one kind of music, and that's Gay House. So I toss my suit and sash in the closet and throw on my designer jeans and form fitting T-shirt and let my bun down to the sounds of a house remix of "If I Can Turn Back Time".
The best is seeing Ron Gorske. He can't dance for shit.Harry Potter
Gwen, the Cappie, came out of my room dressed like a twelve year-old.
"What're you doing, getting extra work as a decoy on To Catch a Predator?"
"No, I'm [don't remember] from the Harry Potter books. I'm going to the midnight release."
"You read Harry Potter? How old are you?"
"It's not just a kid's book. It has adult themes in it."
"No it doesn't. That's just what adults tell themselves when they read kid's books or watch movies like Finding Nemo. There are plenty of books that are well written by adults for adults. I can understand someone who hasn't read anything substantial telling me something stupid like that, but you've read Tolstoy, for God's sake, you should know better."
She shook her head.
"Well, are you coming with me or not?"
I had to admit she looked hot in her little outfit, so I relented.
"Now, you're not going to be a crab the whole time, are you?" She said.
"What're you doing, getting extra work as a decoy on To Catch a Predator?"
"No, I'm [don't remember] from the Harry Potter books. I'm going to the midnight release."
"You read Harry Potter? How old are you?"
"It's not just a kid's book. It has adult themes in it."
"No it doesn't. That's just what adults tell themselves when they read kid's books or watch movies like Finding Nemo. There are plenty of books that are well written by adults for adults. I can understand someone who hasn't read anything substantial telling me something stupid like that, but you've read Tolstoy, for God's sake, you should know better."
She shook her head.
"Well, are you coming with me or not?"
I had to admit she looked hot in her little outfit, so I relented.
"Now, you're not going to be a crab the whole time, are you?" She said.
Mads: Mads Murder Offer
I got a call from my son D'Brickishaw late the other night. I figured he needed me to bail him out of jail.
"I'm not in jail," he said. "I'm watching you on TV. On PBS."
"Yeah, so, I'm always on TV."
"Oh... well, I didn't know that you did work in the South Pacific, and these tribesman wanted to kill you."
Hmm, I didn't know that either. I had him TiVo it, and I caught it the next day. While studying birds on a remote island in the South Pacific, my buddy and I were chilling with these natives. I didn't think anything of it, but apparently they didn't like me, and they offered to kill me for my friend, if the price was right. He refused, because he needed me for the rest of the project.
The show had this character actor pretend to be me, and he was ranting and raving all over the place. I told them I was the King of Norway, and I could have them all killed if they didn't listen to a Spandau Ballet CD I played.
"I'm not in jail," he said. "I'm watching you on TV. On PBS."
"Yeah, so, I'm always on TV."
"Oh... well, I didn't know that you did work in the South Pacific, and these tribesman wanted to kill you."
Hmm, I didn't know that either. I had him TiVo it, and I caught it the next day. While studying birds on a remote island in the South Pacific, my buddy and I were chilling with these natives. I didn't think anything of it, but apparently they didn't like me, and they offered to kill me for my friend, if the price was right. He refused, because he needed me for the rest of the project.
The show had this character actor pretend to be me, and he was ranting and raving all over the place. I told them I was the King of Norway, and I could have them all killed if they didn't listen to a Spandau Ballet CD I played.
An Indecent Proposal
Looking for something to do on a Sunday, I went through my great-great grandfather Cumberland Billingsworth's old diaries.
March 21, 1864
During President Lincoln's second campaign, he stopped here in Boston to garner support. I met him at an event so I could be honored for my service to the country down in Vicksburg.
"If you're not busy later on, I'd like to meet you at my hotel."
Well, who turns down an invite like that? I know now that I should have. I learned many secrets about our president that night that would best go unsaid, the most stunning which pertains to his gender. Mr. Lincoln is in fact a woman. Not only was he a she, but she was coming on to me. I was offered $5000 for one night with her.
I wanted to accept-- I mean how often does one have the opportunity to make the beast with two backs with such a powerful head of state-- but we were rudely interrupted by a man wielding a derringer. Apparently this man was an actor, a Mr. John Wilkes Booth, and he was a jilted ex-lover. I barely survived with my life, as Mrs. Lincoln calmed him down.
March 21, 1864
During President Lincoln's second campaign, he stopped here in Boston to garner support. I met him at an event so I could be honored for my service to the country down in Vicksburg.
"If you're not busy later on, I'd like to meet you at my hotel."
Well, who turns down an invite like that? I know now that I should have. I learned many secrets about our president that night that would best go unsaid, the most stunning which pertains to his gender. Mr. Lincoln is in fact a woman. Not only was he a she, but she was coming on to me. I was offered $5000 for one night with her.
I wanted to accept-- I mean how often does one have the opportunity to make the beast with two backs with such a powerful head of state-- but we were rudely interrupted by a man wielding a derringer. Apparently this man was an actor, a Mr. John Wilkes Booth, and he was a jilted ex-lover. I barely survived with my life, as Mrs. Lincoln calmed him down.
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