Mayor McCheese: It's That Time of Year Again

Every year at this time, Captain Crook comes out of hiding. It's Lent, and Captain Crook was made for Lent. The idea is if people can't eat meat, they can eat the Fillet-O-Fish Sandwich. Of course, now, the only devout practicing Catholics in this country who give a shit about that are old people; and the Fillet-O-Fish tastes too much like ass crack for people to eat it otherwise, so Crook's raison-d'etre has changed a bit.

Women of Chicago, close your shades, at least until Easter. I mean, you can keep the shades open if you want to see a man dressed as a pirate watching you undress, but most women aren't into that. I have been working day and night in the McDonald's lab to create a substitute for the Fillet-O-Fish so the Captain will have something better to do with his time, but it's difficult. Fish just isn't something one can pull off in a cost effective manner and still have it taste good.

I've considered letting the Cap go and do what he's doing, because it's actually good for the company. One year, the local fuzz got to him before our own Officer Big Mac could, and he was all over the news. We got so much free publicity, our sales shot up 13.8%, mostly from Muslim communities, because they can't eat non Halal meat, but they can eat the fish. They would've never known about this option had it not been for Crook's fortuitous arrest.

But Ronald flatly vetoed my suggestion. He felt having a peeping tom as a form of underground advertising strategy was too Burger King, and it wasn't us to stoop that low. I had to agree with him. Now I'm back at work trying to make that new fish sandwich.

Mayor McCheese: Captain Crook Was Robbed (Ironic?)

I couldn't stand that atrocious second pirates movie that had Johnny Depp in it. It just sucked a fat dick. But just the same, we made some mad cash out of the deal.

As you may have known, McDonald's had a huge advertising campaign centered around that stupid waste of celluloid. What you may not have known was that McDonald's paid no money to get the rights to that advertising campaign. After he saw the first movie, Captain Crook sued Disney and what not for copyright infringement. Of course, Captain Crook doesn't have the right to sue anyone because he's beholden to McDonald's, so McDonald's came up with this lucrative settlement in lieu of a court battle.

I don't know what's worse: that Disney came up with a movie idea they stole from a pirate that steals fish sandwiches, or that so many Americans watched it and thought it was great.