Mayor McCheese: Jumping in Paul Newman

As I may have mentioned before, our coffee is the bomb, and everyone is digging it. We have Paul Newman, he of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, The Hustler, and The Long Hot Summer, to thank for this, as McDonald's has had a long standing partnership with his Newman's Own brand, the same brand which makes the coffee.

Now, we don't just let anyone into our gang. You need to earn your stripes, you know what I mean, so when the deal was finalized that we'd feature Newman's Own products in our store, I invited Mr. Newman to my house so he could be initiated properly into our ranks. He needed to be jumped in.

He knew something wasn't right when he saw the whole crew minus Ronald surround him. Officer Big Mac shut the door.

"What's going on here?" He said.

"Robble robble, robble robble."

"That's right, Hamburglar, it's initiation time. Guys, masks on."

We all pulled down our hockey masks and moved in his direction. He was lucky, though. Ronald stopped in just in time and pulled him out of there. Apparently Grimace couldn't keep his trap shut.

Mayor McCheese: Michelle Wie

There have been reports lately that women's golf phenom Michelle Wie has been less than friendly at the pro-am down here at Bulle Rock before the McDonald's LPGA Championship. I can tell you first hand that this is true, yet not true.

I did my work for the company along with my other McDonaldland characters as caddies for the Wie group. I watched as the people who paid thousands of dollars tried to engage her in conversation, and I watched as she seemingly rebuffed their attempts.

This was not exactly the case though. My time on the streets has given me life experiences the average rich businessman paying to play with Wie in a pro-am will never dream of. One of those is in seeing teenage prostitutes. Like Wie, they're very young, interact only with adults, and are told how to think and what to do by their pimps. We can't be surprised that Wie's difficult to talk to when she has no idea how to properly communicate.

I invited her out to have a milkshake with Grimace and me afterwards, but she declined, saying Nike and her dad wouldn't like that.

Mayor McCheese: Heads Up With Ronald

With Moon Knight back in town, I thought it might be a good idea to keep a low profile, so I had the gang over for a little poker night.

Now it might be a good idea to explain how the table plays. Grimace: he's been known to lose pots on purpose just to make people think he has no clue; Officer Big Mac: plays very conservatively, and gets really pissed when he loses hands, especially when he had the better hand and ended up getting a bad beat; Birdie: she can definitely hang, and I hate being heads up in a big pot with her; the Hamburglar: impossible to read; finally, Ronald: I've never seen anyone better at knowing what his opponents are holding.

I'll cut right to the chase. The cards were coming my way; it was just my night. In the end, I found myself heads up with Ronald, and I had about a two-to-one chip lead. My first hand was ace-queen suited. I called the big blind and left it to Ronald. He raised. I went all in. And then it happened.

"Get buck naked bitches!"

Two men in ski masked barged in. I could hear from the voice that it was Verona, probably coming to reclaim his VCR. Ronald was not impressed. He gave me look. I thought he was going to try something, and he wanted me to have his back. I was wrong.

The windows of my house were shattered, and four men in SWAT gear swarmed in. They took out Verona and his friend with a taser.

"Are you all right, sir?" One of them asked Ronald.

"I'll be a lot better when I get out of here."

Whatever.