Mayor McCheese: So There

What was I doing dating a stripper? Sure, they're all kinds of hot, but a little nutty too, if you know what I mean?

So anyway, I'm dating this chick named Neveah, heaven spelled backwards. At least that was her stripper name, which isn't bad for a stripper name. Her real name was Betty, I think, but it doesn't matter.

I had Ronald over the other day, because I needed to sign some papers. This was like noonish, and Neveah comes thundering in, telling me she needs me to get her an 8-ball toot sweet. Of course the whole thing was kind of embarrassing, because Ronald was there, and I hate it when he judges me.

I tried shooing her off, but she was too strung out to get the hint, and started screaming at me to not patronize her. I needed to do something quick. I threw a Rubik's Cube at her, hitting her above the eye, which caused her to fall back and hit her head on the corner of a table. Upon examination, I realized I'd killed her. I'd acted again without thinking. Ronald sighed.

"Another mess you need me to clean up for you, I guess."

I snapped my fingers, and Big Mac aficionado Ron Gorske and the Hamburglar wrapped the body up in plastic and set to work sanitizing the area.

"I should have this one under control," I said. So there.

Mayor McCheese: Limited Late-Nite Menu

Me and Hamburglar were taking a break from some late night partying, and we figured, what better than to hit some McDonald's. We piled in my Caddy and made our way down to the local 24-hour drive-thru. Neither of us had done this before.

"Yeah, I'll have 20 Double Cheeseburgers and 20 Small Fries and a parfait."

"I'm sorry sir, but we only have a limited late night menu, which does not include the Dollar Menu."

"Yeah, but I'm the fucking Mayor. I own you, bitch."

"Actually, no, Ronald owns me."

The next day I had a little talk with Ronnie.

"You see, Mayor, we've looked over the cost/benefit analysis of our menu. After midnight, when we dump certain items, especially the Dollar Menu, our profits skyrocket. Let me put it another way: if we had a full menu after midnight, your monthly checks would be cut in half."

"Fine, whatever. But we should advertise that instead of making commercials with guys taking food out of other guys' dreams."

"No we shouldn't."

He had a point.

Mayor McCheese: Jumping in Paul Newman

As I may have mentioned before, our coffee is the bomb, and everyone is digging it. We have Paul Newman, he of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, The Hustler, and The Long Hot Summer, to thank for this, as McDonald's has had a long standing partnership with his Newman's Own brand, the same brand which makes the coffee.

Now, we don't just let anyone into our gang. You need to earn your stripes, you know what I mean, so when the deal was finalized that we'd feature Newman's Own products in our store, I invited Mr. Newman to my house so he could be initiated properly into our ranks. He needed to be jumped in.

He knew something wasn't right when he saw the whole crew minus Ronald surround him. Officer Big Mac shut the door.

"What's going on here?" He said.

"Robble robble, robble robble."

"That's right, Hamburglar, it's initiation time. Guys, masks on."

We all pulled down our hockey masks and moved in his direction. He was lucky, though. Ronald stopped in just in time and pulled him out of there. Apparently Grimace couldn't keep his trap shut.

Mayor McCheese: What's in it For Me Moon Knight?

I was watching Kaui and Taquita with the Hamburglar and Big Mac aficionado Ron Gorske, when Moon Knight burst in and pulled his tough cop routine. I exhaled a bong hit in his face.

"Listen, Mayor," he said. "We can do this the hard way or the easy way."

I was ready for him this time. I pointed over to the other side of the room. Mac Tonight was performing "The Lady is a Tramp" on my piano. Moon Knight released his grip from my collar, and fell to his knees.

"God damn you!"

"That's right, Moony baby, McDonald's own-a La Luna. Why don't you guys kindly show Mr. Knight the door?"

"Robble Robble."

"No, wait. I came because I needed some information. I gotta find the Tuna Cutter. He's been hired to kill a close friend of mine, and I need to stop him."

"What's in it for me, Moony baby?"

"I have an autographed 45 of "Careless Whisper."

"By George Michael, or just the other guy?"

"Both."

"You got yourself a deal."

He went home and brought it back, so I played ball. The Tuna Cutter was catching an encore performance of Menopause: The Musical at the MacArthur Playhouse, and Moon Knight could find him there.

Mayor McCheese: Who Robs a Post Office?

I had just taken another bong hit, when my phone blew up. Hamburglar answered it.

"Who is it?"

"Robble robble."

Birdie? At this time of night? That can't be good. I took the phone.

"Mayor?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Look, it's not my fault. I'm in jail."

"What happened?... Forget it. I'll just come down and bail you out."

At the station, I found out the whole story. Birdie was pregnant, and she and the baby's father decided to make a little cash robbing a post office. They were arrested.

"If you needed the cash, why didn't you come to me? I'd've helped you out."

"I just wasn't thinking. Please, don't tell Ronald."

"What makes you think he won't find out eventually?"

"I don't know... are you gonna bail out Trevor too?"

"That the baby's father?"

"Yeah."

"What? You cannot be serious!"

"What are you, John McEnroe?"

"No... no, I'm not. I'm sorry... you didn't deserve that..."

Mayor McCheese: Heads Up With Ronald

With Moon Knight back in town, I thought it might be a good idea to keep a low profile, so I had the gang over for a little poker night.

Now it might be a good idea to explain how the table plays. Grimace: he's been known to lose pots on purpose just to make people think he has no clue; Officer Big Mac: plays very conservatively, and gets really pissed when he loses hands, especially when he had the better hand and ended up getting a bad beat; Birdie: she can definitely hang, and I hate being heads up in a big pot with her; the Hamburglar: impossible to read; finally, Ronald: I've never seen anyone better at knowing what his opponents are holding.

I'll cut right to the chase. The cards were coming my way; it was just my night. In the end, I found myself heads up with Ronald, and I had about a two-to-one chip lead. My first hand was ace-queen suited. I called the big blind and left it to Ronald. He raised. I went all in. And then it happened.

"Get buck naked bitches!"

Two men in ski masked barged in. I could hear from the voice that it was Verona, probably coming to reclaim his VCR. Ronald was not impressed. He gave me look. I thought he was going to try something, and he wanted me to have his back. I was wrong.

The windows of my house were shattered, and four men in SWAT gear swarmed in. They took out Verona and his friend with a taser.

"Are you all right, sir?" One of them asked Ronald.

"I'll be a lot better when I get out of here."

Whatever.

Mayor McCheese: Trouble Brewing in the Windy City

It all started when the Hamburglar came back to my crib in a sorry state. Someone had really worked him over. I asked him what happened.

"Robble... robble... robble... robble..."

There was a note attached to him. It said: "There's a new sheriff in town.", and it was signed with a crescent moon. I couldn't believe it.

I called in Officer Big Mac to gather information, and he confirmed my suspicions. That note was written by none other than Moon Knight. The crime fighter was back, and I knew there'd be hell to pay.

I couldn't have a vigilante like that threaten my criminal enterprises. I had Officer Big Mac find out when his alter ego, Jake Lockley, would be driving his cab. We needed to talk.

I didn't get the chance, though. He found out my plan to meet him and set up a trap for me. Before I could get into his cab, he was on me, beating me with his nunchuks. I thought I was a dead man, for sure.

He laid off me, though. He said something to the effect of "let this be a lesson to you", but I didn't really hear it. He had crushed my pince-nez, and could barely see him bound off. I passed out, and woke up on my couch, with Officer Big Mac looking over me.

"I guess we'll need a Plan B," I said.

Mayor McCheese: It Looks LIke Somebody Missed Snack Time

The Hamburglar and I made a trip over to Verona's house to pick up the 10Gs he owed us for a job we did a few weeks back. Verona was not happy to see us.

"Ay, man, I ain't got your money."

"That's not good, homeboy. How much do you think we could get for that stereo, 'Burgs?"

But he couldn't answer. Verona's pit bull had jumped on his chest and was making a move for his neck. I pulled out my double deuce, and shot it in the back of the head, killing it instantly.

"It looks like somebody missed snack time."

"Robble robble, robble robble..."

"Yeah, maybe you should've fed it a snack wrap, Senor Verona. Now let's get that TV unhooked. I can get at least a G for that."

Mayor McCheese: The King vs. The Mayor: I Got This Shit

I was slouched on my couch in a heroin induced stupor listening to Ryan Cabrera's "40 Kinds of Sadness" on a loop, when I was almost hit with brick that had been tossed through my window. The Hamburglar picked it up and showed me the note attached to it.

"There's a new King in town, Mayor!"

Needless to say, I was none too pleased. I put in a call to Officer Big Mac. Within 24 hours, he'd brought in a bruised and battered King. His plastic face was partially melted off.

"Who rules Barter Town?" I said.

"Mayor McCheese rules Barter Town," he said faintly.

"I can't hear you, shitfuck. Who rules Barter Town?"

"Master Blaster, I mean Mayor McCheese rules Barter Town."

"That's what I thought. Ron, give him the works."

Ron Gorske (sp?), noted Big Mac aficionado, came in with one of McDonald's famed sandwiches. I snapped my fingers, and the Hamburglar started a record player with the Big Mac theme song. The King screamed.

"Is this a good idea, Mayor?" Ron said. "I mean, why make him eat a Big Mac, when I'll eat it willingly?"

"With all do respect, you don't make those kinds of decisions, Ron. Now feed the King."

At first he rebelled, but eventually he understood: the Big Mac just simply rules. The Whopper can't compete. I knew I wouldn't have to worry about anymore bricks through my window from that fucker in the near future.

Mayor McCheese: Wake-up Call

I was sitting on my couch in my underwear rolling a joint, watching reruns of The Rockford Files on TV, when someone burst through my door. It was Officer Big Mac. He took my mirror covered in coke and smashed it against the wall. Then he flipped my coffee table over and got right in my face.

"Man, you need to get it together. Can't you see you're throwing your life away with this… this… bullshit?"

"Yes, I think I can see that."

"Man, I can't bear to see a good friend of mine drop so low."

"Well, don't look."

I lit my joint, and put it to my lips, only to have Officer Big Mac take it from me and stomp it out on the ground.

"You'll thank me for that later."

I was pissed. I lifted him off his feet with a double-leg take-down, and was ready to punch him, when I was felled by this awesome shock. The bastard had hit me with his taser. I decided my best bet would be to humor him until he left, and that's what I did. I snorted an 8-Ball later that night with the Hamburglar.