An Open Letter to Justin Bobby

I took some time off a while back, in order to rediscover who I am. I was confused, to say the least.

I had been watching a lot of The Hills, and I found my self totally befuddled by the concept of Audrina's not-so-erstwhile boyfriend, Justin Bobby. In my mind, there was just no way possible for this guy to exist outside the bounds of the show. I asked my personal biographer Matty if he thought MTV invented him.

"I can't imagine. As a writer myself, I could see inventing a Spencer, or even an Audrina; but a Justin Bobby... that would take an immense talent, one whose special skills would be wasted in developing a persona for a reality show."

I wasn't as easily convinced, or at the very least, I needed to see this thing myself, outside the filter of the TV camera. I flew out to LA, in hopes of seeing a Justin Bobby in the wild.

A local source familiar with the situation (Sir Ian McKellen) told me where Mr. Justin Bobby hangs out. I found out that Justin Bobby not only exists, but the MTV portrayal of him was spot on, or perhaps they went a little easy on him. He had the same voice, hair, and attitude. I was flabbergasted.

I took some time and sat on Venice Beach, watching the waves. If an individual like a Justin Bobby actually existed, the next logical question had to be: do I? Everything that I thought was true and right had been tossed out the window. I felt like going back to him. I had more questions now: how did you become so ridiculous? do you know you're that ridiculous? are there more like you? what do your parents think?

It was like a bad acid trip. In my 37 years on the planet I had never experienced anything like it. I had no proof anymore that I was real. I felt it was time to end the madness, and I drank a fifth of Don Julio and walked towards the surf, ready to let it take me into that long goodnight.

I woke up the next day with a face full of sand. Some kids had been covering me on the beach, and their mom found me, thinking I was dead. I spit some of the sand out, and thanked them for their generosity. Without showering, I packed my things and boarded a plane back to Boston.