Mads: I Am the Winner

I received a check via certified mail today at my hotel here in Rio. It was for $50,000. At first I thought it was severance pay from Oklahoma, but it wasn't. My friend from Boston was sending me my first place winnings from our Big XII fantasy league. I couldn't really remember who I had on my team, because I hadn't looked at it since the draft in August. It's an interesting irony, because if I'd used my uncanny access to Big XII inside information due to my ties to Oklahoma, I probably would've tinkered with my team too much and lost.

I broke the news to Abdul Karim, my Persian buddy, that we would have to get rid of this 50 G's tonight, and he was none too pleased. The prospect of getting wasted and laid by amazing Brazilian women was starting to wear on him.

We went to a popular night club that is run by my friend Ukrainian Hank, a man who runs a popular spot in Boston too. The first thing we did was buy all the beer in the place so everyone could drink for free. That only set us back 15 with tip, so we needed to get rid of another 35. Next I sent Abdul out to get three inflatable pools and as much mud as possible. We'd have gone with Jell-O, but it would've taken too long to make it. That still left us with about 30 G's.

Animal time. Abdul hired three elephants, five gorillas, and myriad baboons and whatnot, and that just about took care of our money. I don't remember much after that. I woke up in one of the pools to the sound of a pistol firing, a man yelling, and a gorilla picking bugs out of my hair. The man was trying to get his pistol from one of the baboons, and it bit him on the hand. Hank was none too pleased with what I did to his place, and I had to fork over another 75 G's to pay for the damages. That's hot.