The Undeserved Buttplug

Matty the Mainer stayed with me through the weekend, because he was living with his parents, and he was afraid of the fallout from his new adopted son Goodtimes that he'd brought back from Cote d'Ivoire.

"How did you get that thing through customs?"

"First of all, it's not a thing, it's my son, Goodtimes. And second, I guess I got through because my French is so bad."

Gwen, the Cappie, was playing with the boy while Matty and I surfed the Internet. We found a site selling celebrity buttplugs. One of them drew considerable attention from Matty.

"Oh my God, they made a Juglass buttplug. Can they do that?"

"I don't know, maybe..."

"He never did anything to deserve a buttplug... except for maybe the whole wearing shorts in the winter thing... is that buttplug worthy?"

I figured the only way to find out was to go to the source, so we called the company. They put me on hold. The hold music was 'Linger' by the Cranberries.

"Oh, dude, put it on speakerphone, I haven't heard that in a while."

But we didn't get the chance, because the celebrity buttplug representative got on the line. I explained to her our situation, and she was very gracious.

"Okay Matty... apparently the shorts isn't the only thing they've got... something about the dolphin on Seaquest not talking, but the box translating for it... there's something about party mix here... a recent one about a fireblanket... an AHL mascot kicking him in he ass... oh, I see... okay... no, that's good... uh-huh..."

"Dude, what's she saying?"

"I think we have enough, thank you for your time." I hung the phone up. "She said it was kind of a no brainer. You and your friends make on average more Juglass jokes than Leno does Michael Jackson, Paris Hilton, and Mel Gibson jokes combined."

"So it's my fault he has a celebrity buttplug?"

"You ever seen that Children of the Corn sequel... I think it's number 3?"

"The one where the kid says: 'Papa always says you reap what you sow'? That one?"

"Yeah."

"I've never seen it, but I saw the trailer during something else." He picked up his new son. "Come on Goodtimes, let's go meet your new grandparents."