The Dude Who Hooked up With the Octopus Lady

I was eating a Big 33 at Mads, my Norwegian companion's, new McDonald's the other day. The Big 33, named after Larry Bird, and only available for a short period of time, was just one of many classic menu items Mads has brought back for his McDonald's after looking up the franchise on wikipedia.

"So how was your Christmas?" He asked me.

"Not bad. It was kind of weird, because I visited a buddy who has kids."

"I have kids."

"Kids he's raising with a wife in a home."

"Oh, sor-REE."

"Whatever."

"Well, why do you feel weird?"

Playing overhead was the new Timbaland and One Republic song "Apologize".

It's too late to pon a jyyyyyyye...

"What the hell are we listening to? I thought you only wanted to play 80s in here?"

"Oh, this is the kids."

"Your kids, Nadia and Aidan?"

"Yeah, I had them run the place when I was gone. They did a decent job, so I let them keep playing their music. It's KISS 108. They love Matty in the Morning."

"Who doesn't? But you just left this place alone to your teenage kids?"

"Yeah, I went to Tortuga for the holiday."

"How long were you gone?"

"Like three weeks. You didn't notice I'd left?"

"I guess not. That's not the point: didn't you think it's a bad idea to not be here to run your own restaurant."

"Don't get too crazy here. It's a McDonald's, not a restaurant. Now get back to what you were saying about feeling weird."

"Weird?"

"About seeing your buddy's kids."

"Oh yeah, right. It's just that I remember back when I was their age--"

"The kids?"

"Yeah. They're like six or seven. Anyway, I remember when my dad had people over--"

"I thought you didn't know your dad."

"No, I knew him. He left my mom at about ten."

"And you remember that?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't remember anything from before I was like 12 or 13."

"You're a moron."

"You're a moron."

"Whatever. Anyway, so like my dad had this dude over when I was like seven, and he was talking about this woman he hooked up with that had a huge octopus tattooed on her back."

"Was she hot?"

"I'm assuming. I never met her."

"And how old was he."

"Like 50."

I'm not gonna write you a love song

"So what does this have to do with anything?"

"I'm the dude who hooked up with the octopus lady now."

"That's asinine. Eat your Big 33."