The Mayor's Back

It had to happen eventually. Mads, my Norwegian companion's, new McDonald's franchise with it's fresh take on the old fast food titan was generating a lot of heat. Newspapers, magazines-- even the Today show had former Giants standout Tiki Barber stop by (which delighted Mads, because Tiki was his favorite player). With all this attention, we knew you-know-who would have to come out of hiding and make an appearance, and he did.

I was sitting in the corner with Matty, my personal biographer, eating a McRibb while Matty played with a Mac Tonight doll he got in his Happy Meal, when we saw him. He showed up in a dirty and torn Ron Paul for President T-shirt and ripped, faded jeans. He didn't go to the counter to place his order, but rather went straight to a booth, and sat down, putting his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. Mads saw this, and sent his son, Aidan, over to take his order.

"I'm the fuckin' Mayor, bitch! Give me ten cheeseburgers."

"You know you can get ten double cheeseburgers for the same price, or even five double cheeseburgers with the same amount of meat as ten regular cheeseburgers for half the price."

The Mayor grabbed him by the shirt and pulled the poor boy close, eyeball to eyeball.

"Look at my fuckin' head, junior. Do you think I'm kidding you when I say I want ten cheeseburgers?"

The boy shook his head quickly.

"Do you think I don't know what kind of menu options a McDonald's offers?"

The boy shook his head again. At this point Mads felt his son had dealt with enough, and he stepped in.

"Go get the man his ten cheeseburgers."

The Mayor ignored Mads and went back to sitting with his head in his hands. Mads sat down across from him and lit a cigarette.

"You know," the Mayor said. "McDonald's has banned smoking from all its franchises."

Mads took a big drag and exhaled.

"Yep. And the state of Massachusetts has banned smoking in all of it's restaurants. What the fuck do I care? Go ahead and fine my ass."

The Mayor looked up and stared at Mads for a second. Then he laughed.

"We've had some interesting times together, Mads..."

"Yes, most of them involve you pointing a gun at me and me having to put you to sleep with a rear-naked choke."

Mads' son brought the food and set it quickly in front of the Mayor. Mads gave the boy twenty bucks and told him to go on his break. The Mayor Dove into his food.

"Let's get down to brass tacks here, Mads. I've been in hiding for a long time. That 'We're into nuggets y'all' thing really put a hurtin' on my sensibilities, you know?"

Mads took another drag.

"Will this take long, because I got work to do."

"Listen, man, I think you got a good thing going here, and I want to help."

"What makes you think I want your help?"

"Oh, come on, dude! You know how I get down. 20, 10 and 5, every night."

"I think that's Kevin Garnett."

"Whatever. I'm the fuckin' Mayor. What you're doing here: it's the reason why I got into this in the first place."

"Look at yourself. You're a fucking mess. What good can you do me?"

"Give me ten minutes."

"Fine. Get changed. There's a bathroom out back. I'll also need you to fill out a W-2."

He jumped up and ran to the bathroom, very excited.

"What do you think of that?" I said to Matty.

He looked up from his doll.

"...the shark has... sharp teeth and...What?"

"Nevermind."