Mayor McCheese: I'm Back Bitches

As I looked at myself in the mirror of Mads' bathroom at his new McDonald's, fixing my sash and making sure my hat was on straight, I breathed a large sigh. Relief? Maybe. Perhaps more likely, I was breathing a new life into my once tired bones. It had been a long time coming.

I thought back to months before: a commercial that turned my stomach. Two young men... We're into nuggets y'all... ketchup and mayo... the pain was near unbearable. I went to the man in charge and expressed my outrage. Was this what it had come to? My arguments fell upon deaf ears. "This is what's in," Ronald told me. "Viral videos. Customer generated content. This is the YouTube generation." "But it's not," I pleaded. "This is so bad. It's not LonelyGirl15 or OK Go!, this is two losers sending you a dumb video. You're annoying the people of America!"

The fight became more heated, and I threw my sash and hat into the bin on my way out. Ronald did nothing to make me to stay, so convinced was he that his New Way was the path to venture. I was so disgusted, I went into hiding, playing Grand Theft Auto for hours on end, and reading Dos Passos' USA trilogy. But then, a voice spoke to me from beyond.

It was the Hamburgler. His Robble Robble told me all I needed to know. My old adversary, Mads, decided to open his own McDonald's franchise. He was serving Fois Gras extra value meals, and bringing back old favorites like the McRibb and the McJordan. I felt like I was needed again. I had a new purpose. I didn't even change my clothes, just left in what I was wearing, and drove straight from Chicago to Massachusetts in my beat-up Chevy Celebrity.

Now I'm back, and I'm ready to put the horrible past behind me. I had kids to entertain, lives to change. I took one last look in the mirror, and made my way out there, into the great unknown.... It was gonna be one hell of a 2008!