Asinine Female Conventions

Mads, my Norwegian companion, thought it would be cute if he and Pageant Girl went on a double date with me and Gwen, the Cappie (or Capper: that debate still hasn't been solved.). Gwen was into it, so we went. Midway through the main course, though, something happened that showed me just why I liked Gwen, beyond how hot she looked in the clothes I picked out. Pageant Girl got up to go to the bathroom, and asked Gwen to join her.

"I'm all set," she said. "I don't have to go."

"C'mon," Pageant Girl said. "Just come check your make-up."

"No, I'm really all set."

"I think," Mads said. "She's inviting you as part of a long standing tradition. You accompany her, and then the two of you talk shit about us for fifteen minutes, then return to the table like nothing happened. All the while, we pretend we think you just went to the bathroom."

"I know," she said. "But I don't follow asinine female conventions."

Sweet, I thought, this would be good.

"That tradition, as you so pleasantly put it, was developed in a time when women were considered better seen than heard. It was unladylike for one of us to be blunt in our opinions at the dinner table. So we'd join our fellow women in the bathroom, and say what we wanted. Just because I dress more like Pageant Girl, which I'm only doing as part of an agreement because he [me] got a bunch of signed Daredevil stuff from Ben Affleck, then got Affleck to introduce me to Kevin Smith, who I love, who then introduced me to Stan Lee, who is the man, even though I kinda do dig these clothes, and these jeans I bought on my own, but anyway just because I dress like her doesn't mean I'll automatically act like her."

"That was the greatest run-on sentence I've ever heard."

"You know," Mads said. "I never asked you how you got Ben to go along with all this. After that meeting..."

"I gave him Adrian Peterson."

"For who... wait, don't tell me."

"Rhett Bomar."

Mads was laughing hysterically. At our emergency meeting of our Big XII Fantasy League, I was adamant that Ben be stuck with Rhett Bomar because suspensions and dismissals are just part of college football. Of course I was more worried that I'd lose Adrian Peterson in a re-draft. This is where it got me. I shook my head, and realized that Pageant Girl was still standing next to our table.

"So, you coming to the bathroom or what?"