Off-Broadway Play

I was in New York recently accompanying Mads, my Norwegian companion, who was attending an ornithology conference. Killing time while he was attending lectures (I find birds are ever so boring), I decided to grab a bite to eat at one of the city's fine delicatessens. The place I went to had no seating, so after making my purchase, I needed to find a spot to eat my sandwich and what not. I saw a flyer stuck on a wall that was an advertisement for an off-Broadway play. This would do.

At the ticket counter, I was expecting the clerk to give me a hard time for having outside food with me, but instead he gave me an odd look, of which I was unable to discern the purpose. I thought nothing of it, and proceeded to my seat. The usher, instead of inspecting my ticket, told me I could sit anywhere. I looked up and conceived his meaning: the place was entirely empty. I was the only one there to see the performance.

So I sat down and started my meal. I tried to negotiate the awkwardness of the situation by concentrating on my food and avoiding eye contact. The actors did the same by performing as if the entire theatre were full.

The first act ended, and I waited for applause. Then I remembered that I was the audience, and froze for a second. I was so used to being led in my applause by my fellow theatergoers, that I had to think for a second before I started on my own. My applause sounded meek and perfunctory by itself.

Around the third act, I felt the venti iced latte that I had purchased a couple hours before at Starbucks (TM) make its way through my system. In a full auditorium, I would have no problem extricating myself, but now I was faced with a dilemma, knowing any attempt at escape would be highly conspicuous. On the one hand, I could hold it for the approximately forty-five minutes left in the play, on the other I could just go and come back and not worry about how impertinent I might be.

Holding it is very bad for the bladder and kidneys, so I chose the latter. I held my hand up, yelled that I was heading to the restroom, and darted off. The actors continued on acting as if I were simply a heckler at any crowded theatre. When I returned, though, the story was different. They were all sitting about the stage. When I re-entered my seat, one of them asked if I was all set. I nodded in assent.