Cappie or Capper

I met this girl in a coffee shop recently named Gwen. She was hot, but of a very reserved, unrefined sort of hotness. She didn't dress particularly well, she wasn't all that well groomed, and she was listening to a big, bulky walkman with a pair of the cheap headphones that would have come packaged with it. But there was something there that I was drawn to. She was reading a Captain America comic, but that wasn't her alluring feature. No, it was the femininity she exuded while reading it: how she crossed her legs, tossed her hair back as it impeded her reading, or the way she sipped her beverage. I needed to introduce myself.

We hit it off quite well, and made plans to go see a movie. She picked it, Ringers, a documentary on Lord of the Rings people, and we had a great time. We were on the same page, both thinking the film utter crap. "I mean c'mon," she said, "they're acting as if the guy [Tolkien] was Tolstoy." That led us into a discussion on the famed Russian writer as I walked her home. All the while, I was trying to figure out how I would get her into some new clothes. The guy's sneakers, jeans that were a bit too loose, and the Captain America T-shirt that was three sizes too big, weren't doing anything for me. Maybe our next date would be to H&M.

She invited me up, and I couldn't decline. I was too enamored with this woman to leave her now. I was a bit uncomfortable, though, when I saw all the Captain America stuff in her living room. She offered me a seat, which I took, then gave me a cup of coffee. We chatted for a second, but I could tell she had something on her mind. I tried not to let the conversation go too far so she could say what she had to say, and she did after a few minutes. Actually, she didn't say anything, but handed me a movie script, and told me to read it while she got changed.

It was entitled "Captain America and the Damsel in Distress", and the entire plot was composed of a series of incidents where the Red Skull and various other baddies capture "Gwen the Reporter", tie her up, then Captain America saves her, and they do whatever. This had to be a joke, right? But I knew that it wasn't when she came out of her room dressed like Rosalind Russell in His Girl Friday. I had to admit, it was the most stylish thing I'd seen her wear. The Captain America costume she threw me, though, wasn't: I don't look good in spandex.