I couldn't help noticing that Pageant Girl looked slightly like the amazing woman from the Mercury commercials. I decided my best move would be to dress her up in some of the outfits the Mercury girl wears, and have her re-enact the ads. It didn't go so well.
Pageant Girl is anything but a thespian. Not only that, but I figured since she was so good at appearing in local ads after she became Miss Whatever, she'd be old hat at selling Mercury Milans. No dice. She had trouble reading the cue cards or memorizing simple lines. She lacked the ability to make the subtle faces the real Mercury Girl does, the kind of faces that drive a man wild.
The local Ford/Lincoln/Mercury dealership loved the idea of making Pageant Girl like the Mercury Girl, and he paid me handsomely to film the spots, but I was despondent. The charm was lost for me.
Car commercials rank right below beer, car insurance, and fast food commercials as the worst things humanity has ever conceived. They're pure evil. Whether it's the Cheverolet ads that use images of Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King jr., and Ground Zero to sell cars; or Dodge's self indulgent concept that their shitty vehicles that have a "hemi" in them are somehow better than any Subaru or Toyota on the market; or those horrible Ford commercials lauding the "Bold Moves" that their drivers do everyday, even though the moves are only the kinds of things people who have never committed a "Bold Move" would consider bold, and are things that have nothing to do with being a Ford owner; car ads are simply molten masses of depravity, and the Mercury ads are an oasis in that desert of atrocity on humanity.
And I thought I could recreate that oasis for my own world of depravity, and I was wrong... dead wrong. It was time for an agonizing reappraisal of the situation.
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