First Dude

If there's one thing I do, it's make lemons out of lemonade... um... whatever, I'm resourceful. I can turn a bad night into a good one with the quickness.

I was on a date with a real dim bulb, and she was killing me. She said she never eats at Chinese at restaurants. I made the mistake of asking why.

"Didn't you hear about that girl who got herpes from some fried rice?"

"What?"

"Yeah, she ate this fried rice, and three days later she had herpes. They checked it and found semen from three different people."

"I know the story. It's an Urban Legend. I'm just shocked anyone would believe that kind of crap to be true."

"What? No, my friend read about it in the Herald."

"No she didn't, it's an Urban Legend. First, no one gets sores from herpes three days after contracting it. Second, she'd have tasted the semen and not eaten the rice. Third, the virus wouldn't have survived either the cooking process or the sitting out process. Finally, who are these people doing DNA tests on fried rice? Why would they suspect the fried rice if she had herpes?"

"Well, it said the boyfriend didn't have it."

"The fucking boyfriend didn't exist! Listen, I'm outro, and you're a moron."

I threw a couple hundred bucks on the table to cover our meal, and went to the bar. There was a man in a black suit wearing sunglasses and some kind of an earpiece. He looked at the bartender, who nodded at him, I guess saying I could stay. That's when I saw them.

"Hey, what's up? I'm Barbara, and this is my sister Jenna."

We hit it off and they invited me back to their hotel room. I was now an official supporter of the Bush Administration. There will be no cutting and running, as I was now staying the course... if you know what I mean... if you're picking up what I'm putting down... if you're seeing the future from my tea leaves... if we're reading from the same piece of music... if Tiger can stay because we now know Jan's allergic to the flea powder... yeah...