My Two Dads

Years ago, like in 1982, I came up with a show where two men who slept with a woman within days of each other, adopt the girl that was spawned from that union after the woman dies. Neither man knows who the real father is, so they agree to act as if both is. I thought I had pure gold.

But no one wanted it. It was too cliche. My having one dad be a Type A personality and the other a Type B made them think it was too Odd Couple. I was heart broken.

Then I found My Two Dads on TV one day. Paul Reiser was the Type A guy, and Greg Evigan the Type B. They even had Teen Star Chad Allen as the girl's love interest (who apparently is now gay, go figure). I was pissed at first. They stole my idea. But then I realized that at least I had the satisfaction of knowing my show had made it. The big time baby.

At the end of the show, though, I saw my name in the credits. How could they be giving me credit, but no money? I called the producer, and he informed me that they had been sending me royalty checks, but none of them had been cashed. They thought it a little odd, and were kind of annoyed at how the uncashed checks were messing with their book keeping, but they were legally obligated to send them.

I thought about it for a second. I was twelve when I pitched that idea. Of course, they were sent to my mom's house in Brockton. I had cut off all ties with my mom because she was drunken whore that ran an adult video and sex toy establishment. Maybe it was time to re-establish ties.

No, it wasn't. When I got there, mom was in a bathrobe with curlers in her hair, completely drunk at 8:30 in the morning. There were two half-naked younger men sleeping in her living room, one on the floor, and one on the couch. I asked her if I had any mail, and she went into her room returning with a beaten up shoe box from Bloomingdale's. I looked inside, and there were my checks, along with class reunion invites, wedding notices, and tons of Val-Pak coupons.

"I guess I'll be leaving Mom..."

"I guess you will, Son. I guess you will."

The moment I got home I filled out an order on the US Post Office's website to have any of my mail sent to my mom's address forwarded to mine. I opened one of the royalty checks. It was for $52. I guess My Two Dads wasn't as successful as I'd hoped.