Mads: The O'Reilly Factor

I was called by the producers of The O'Reilly Factor to debate with Paul McCartney about seal beatings. I was asked if I could come to the studio in New York, because O'Reilly wanted me to be the sympathetic one. I had no problem with it.

O'Reilly is a much bigger man than I expected, and he has a rather firm handshake. I could see where it would be a problem if we weren't on the same side: I mean this was the Lion's Den, and the lion was vicious.

"So what do you think your strategy is?" He said.

"I'll mock him, make fun of the seriousness with which he takes it because he's got nothing better to do. Then I'll bring in the people who make their living off those furs."

"I like it."

So we start the show, and of course there's a huge advantage to being in the studio. I can talk when I want, O'Reilly and I can look like old chums, and he never cuts my mic off. O'Reilly started with McCartney talking, but only gave him like a minute before he turned it over to me.

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. McCartney, I've hard all that before from you PETA people, that's why I've called in an expert, Mads Olafssen, a Nobel Prize winner from Norway. First, how are you doing?"

"I'm great Bill. Just fantastic."

"Good to hear it. Now why don't you cut through some of the myths associated with seal hunting."

"I'd be glad to Bill. I mean, Mr. McCartney makes it sound like we kidnap seals, keep them tied up in a hotel over several nights, and burn them with cigarettes and make them watch Roseanne... and I'm talking the later run episodes when she won the lottery and the writing sucked."

He laughed. McCartney wanted to respond, but I cut him off.

"I want to issue you a challenge right now, Mr. Beetle. Why don't you take some of that money you have and give it to the poor people who need those furs to feed their family."

"But..."

"How about it, Mr. McCartney. You wanna save the seals, you gonna help the people whose livelihood you're stealing?"

"But..."

"You know, that's why you PETA people make me sick. You all want to save these animals and you never think about the poor people who's lives you're ruining. Whether its a guy in Norway trying to make a buck, or a poor farmer trying to put his kids through school, or a guy at a paper mill that wants to buy a house for his kids, all you rich celebrities do is spit on them. You're saying: 'I don't care, it's trendier to save this seal than it is to let some starving guy make a living and feed his kids.'"

Bill was on a roll, so I just lit a cigarette and smiled. It was so much fun being on his side.

"But..."

"But nothing, Mr. McCartney. You said yourself you didn't care about them when you refused to compensate the people whose lives you're ruining. Okay, Mr McCartney, I'll give you the last word."

"Well, I just wanted to say that there are many other ways..."

"That's all the time we have. I want to thank my guests: Mads Olafssen, Nobel Laureate; and Paul McCartney, founding member of the Beetles. Next on the No Spin Zone..."

I put a finger up and brought it down like I was drawing a checkmark.

"Count it."