I Don't Vote

I get asked all the time: "are you voting for Patrick or Healey?" To which I always reply: "I don't vote." Now before you hit me with your lectures on the people who died for our right to vote and the people who die in other places so they can vote too, just hear me out. I fully appreciate my right to vote and wish I could, but I just can't do it, and I'll tell you why.

In 1988 I was very excited to vote. Not only was this my first election that I was legal for, but we had a local boy, Michael Dukakis (sp?) running for president. So I went to my local voting place, signed in, and went to a booth.

That's when it happened. In my booth Fee Waybill of The Tubes, wearing only a red, white, and blue headband and matching speedo, was with a man in a bunny costume waving a flag and wearing a humongous strap-on dildo. Fee was stroking the dildo saying "ohhhh she's a beauty all right." Of course, I fainted and woke up in the hospital. The fall impacted my brain in such a way that I lost some of my sense of taste for the following two years, and have only recently fully gotten it back.

In 1992 I thought I was ready to get back on that horse, but man was I wrong. I can't get within 20 feet of a voting booth before I have a panic attack at best. So yes, I don't vote, and may never vote again.