Made

That's right, I was a Made coach. MTV called me for a boy who goes to Pinkerton Academy in New Hampshire. He wrote them because he wanted to be more "GQ". I found out later they really wanted Mads, but they had outdated mailing information and didn't know he was in Oklahoma. He recommended me. Thanks Mads.

So I let it be known I wouldn't be leaving Boston, and they agreed to get him back and forth to my apartment after he got out of school.

He was a geeky kid named Jordan, and I knew I had my work cut out for me. The first thing he asked was how to get chicks. He had a crush on some girl at school that was way out of his league.

"People say it's charisma women look for in a guy, but I can see you don't have any. The next best thing is for people to think people they respect like you. Sure, we'll give you the perfunctory makeover, but it'll take more than that to get you chicks. You need to look like a Very Important Person."

We did do the makeover: bleached his tips, got him into some better clothes; you know, the works. I then set the plan in motion. I told him to invite the girl he wanted down to Boston for coffee. Make it look like you go down there a lot, big city kind of guy. The girl, who originally wanted nothing to do with him, of course wouldn't pass up a chance to go on TV. Once they made it to the cafe, I took the plan into Phase 2. I started with Will Farrell.

"Hey Jordan, what's going on?"

"Um... nothing much. How're you doing?"

"Just chilling. Hey, when're we gonna get together and work on that script? I got a producer and director lined up to take the project."

She was like putty in his untrained hands after that. I then sent Anne Hathaway, from all those princess movies, in.

"Hey Jordan, long time no see. You look like you're doing... well."

I couldn't say for sure, but Jordan was getting a piece that night. I was proud of him... somewhat. I was actually more proud of me. What can I say? I'm just that good. Forget all those cheerleading coaches.