Disgraced Ornithologist (slightly)

Mads, my Norwegian companion, was appearing on a Sunday morning talk show at a local TV station, and he wanted me to TiVo it. Of I course I was more than willing to not only TiVo it, but watch it while it was recording, because I knew it would be hot.

Mads went on second, after a local writer. The show went to commercial, and when they came back Mads was sitting on the set in between the host and the writer. The first thing he did was look at the camera and point to the middle of his REO Spedwagon shirt under his blazer with both index fingers, and put both thumbs up. Then he lit a cigarette.

"Hello everyone, and welcome back. I am pleased to be joined now with Mads, a local ornithologist, who is going to talk to us about the elusive puffin, which can currently be seen on Maine's northeastern coast, then he's got some birds of his own to show us. Hello Mads, how are you? If you could, first tell us a little about yourself."

"Well, there isn't much to tell. I'm Norwegian, I study birds. One thing even my family and close friends don't know about me is that I have a secret chicken farm in my back yard. Also, I dabble in a little flamethrower repair."

"Um, okay. Um, all right, let's talk about the puffin. What can..."

"It doesn't exist."

"What?"

"The puffin doesn't exist. It's a myth, like a unicorn or leprechaun."

"But we have pictures..."

"Fakes. All part of the conspiracy."

"What conspiracy?"

"I'll show you. Ted, if you could, bring out my birds?"

The man carried out a huge cage with a dark cloth over it, and led an emu out by a leash. Mads pulled off the cloth and opened the cage, letting out about ten pigeons onto the set. The writer ran behind her chair, and the host jumped up on her desk. Mads ran up to the camera and began speaking directly into it.

"There is a cultural bias in this society against the pigeon. No one gives them a voice... they like the fucking puffin, because it's so fucking cute. Well I've got your back, pigeon. I'm here to start a new pigeon order. Here Gucci!"

The emu ran over to him, and he jumped on it. As he started to ride off, the show went to commercial. I waited to see it come back, but instead a voice said "we now join our regularly scheduled program, already in progress", then there was an episode of Three's Company, the one where John Ritter's handcuffed to his friend, and they think he's gay. I curled up on the couch: man I love Three's Company.