The Lies About Marijuana

Man, I can't stand those asinine commercials where these smug bastards pontificate about the potential horrors of smoking weed. All they do is work on lies and misperception: like tobacco companies... isn't it ironic?

Anyway, the point is, the other day I found myself in one of those utterly unplausible scenarios depicted in those abhorrent commercials. My friend Matty D was in town (not to be cofused with Matty the Mainer, this guy's a friend of Affleck's), and he wanted to get together. When I got in his car, he pointed to a bag of weed on the dash with pack of rolling papers on it. I understood, and rollded a big fatty on the top of my hardcover copy of Farrell's Studs Lonigan Trilogy. At that point we proceeded to get baked out of our minds.

Matty D suggested we stop and grab some MceeDee's, and I couldn't argue with him. After we grabbed our food in the drive through, Matty sped out, then came to an abrupt stop.

"Did you feel that?"

"What're you talking about?"

"I think I just ran something over."

We got out and found a twisted pink bicycle next to a girl lying in a pool of blood. No way, this couldn't be happening.

"Quick," I said. "Open your trunk. We need to get rid of this thing A-Sap."

Man, if those losers in the anti-drug campaign ever found out that the most ludicrous lie they've ever told to defame the character of our great canibus actually came true, we'd set the free marijuana movement back fifty years. I carried the body and bike at the same time over to the trunk of Matty D's car.

"What if someone sees us?" He said.

"If we move quickly enough it won't matter."

"I think she's still alive."

"That's not the issue here. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the good of the movement."

Right then I felt someone jump on my back. Shit, I thought, it's the cops. But it wasn't, it was Ashton Kucher.

"Man," he said. "We've never had anyone try to cover up the crime! I guess you're right, we can never fool you!"

One time at a party I told Ash I could never be Punk'd. I think he believed that I would never have the audacity to cover up Matty D's running over a little girl, so he assumed the game was up and I was hip to the scam. But he was wrong, and I had been fooled. I sat down on the curb and lit a Parliament. Wow, what a relief. I was glad I didn't have to dispose of another body. That can be hard work.