Bar Mitzvah

My good friend, Eileen Goldstein, invited me to her grandson Avraham Martinez's bar mitzvah, and of course I was only too happy to oblige. Eileen and I go way back to when I was a teenager working for a landscaping company, and she invited me in for some lemonade. That was of course before the days of viagra, when us lawnmowers and poolboys did all right for ourselves.

Eileen, as always, was trying to hook me up with one of her nieces, so when I found the seat with my name on it, I wasn't surprised to find her brother Morty's daughter Alison sitting at the table next to me. After the musical performance by Nick and Jessica (pre-break-up, I'm assuming), which cost Eileen's son-in-law about 50K on its own, I made my way over to Eileen, grabbed a vacant chair from another table, and set it down beside her.

"Oh my goodness, how are you?"

"I can't complain, Eileen, but you, you look like you're doing well."

"Always the flatterer." She put her hands on my cheeks. "Such a charming fellow. And he knows poetry... recite some poetry for the girls."

I got up out of my seat, went down to one knee, and took her hand in mine.

"Eileen, oh Eileen, that dress... I must confess... my thoughts verge on dirty."

I bowed, and the girls clapped. They asked me who wrote it, or did I write it?

"No," I said. "It was by Dexy's Midnight Runners in 'Come on Eileen'."

They went back to their conversation, and Eileen and I were able to talk to one another alone.

"So did you meet Alison? Isn't she wonderful?"

"She doesn't like Laguna Beach."

"Oh, for Gods sake, you can't be so picky. A boy your age, you need to settle down and not go out all over the place with that Norwegian friend-"

"Companion. Norwegian companion, Mads."

"Whatever, whatever. Listen to me, Alison is going to take over my brother Morty's jewelry store when he retires next year. Do you know what that means? He does all that gaudy bling-bling stuff for those rap guys. You'll never have to worry about money."

"I don't worry about money now, homegirl."

"You know I always love it when you call me home girl."

"Oh, yeah, I know."