Mads: Test Scores

I got a call into the Dean's office. I normally would just blow him off, but I was hungry, and the path to the campus Taco Bell goes right past his office window, so I just decided to pop in and see what was up.

"It's your students's test scores. They all got A's. How did that happen?"

"Actually they all failed at first, and I needed to scale them."

"Yes, we got some initial complaints that the test material wasn't covered in either the class lectures or the text book, and the testing atmosphere was not conducive to one taking an exam. Do you know anything about this?"

I lit a cigarette and shook my head.

"I have a copy of the exam right here. One of the questions required the students to name 30 Madonna music videos."

"Not too difficult. I figured that's a gimme. You gonna tell me you couldn't do that?"

"Well, let me see, 'Borderline', 'Papa Don't Preach', 'Cherish'."

"Yeah, none of them picked that one."

"Well, Jesus, Mads, these kids aren't that old. Most of them only know Madonna as the old chick that kissed Brittney."

"That's precisely my point. The kids need to know these things."

"Whatever... I don't know how I got off track here. None of these questions have anything whatsoever to do with ornithology."

"What about the essay question?"

"Is Big Bird a puppet? Provide a structured arguement either way. Your TA had to correct all those Blue Books for that question?"

"That's what I pay him for, of course."

"No, we pay him, and that's not what we pay him for. And while we're on the subject of money, the Department received a bill for $50,000 for a private performance by Melissa Manchester. What the hell is that about?"

"I just really thought it would be a great confidence builder for the kids if we could give them 'Don't Cry Out Loud'. I thought it went over well."

"Students don't need concerts while they're taking tests... they need quiet. And 'Don't Cry Out Loud'? What the hell's wrong with you?"

"C'mon, Baby can't be broken, you see... 'cause Baby had the greatest teacher... that's me... Don't CRYYYYYYYY OUUUUUUT LOOOOOO--"

"Okay, okay, I get the point. What... what the hell are you doing?"

I was cutting some coke into four lines on top of the ornithology journal that my newest article was published in. I had grabbed it off the Dean's desk. I rolled up a Benjie and hoovered up a couple. I then lifted the magazine and rolled bill in the direction of the Dean with one hand while I cleaned my nose with the other.

"Jesus Christ, Mads, what if someone came in here."

He leaned over and did the other two lines.

"You know what Deanie? I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship."

"Fuck you, Mads. Fuck you."