Matty the Mainer

I had to go to South Station to meet my friend, Matty the Mainer. I tell him about my life and he puts the stories in his blog. I was kind of worried, because I didn't have much for him this week. He started the conversation.

"So Mads left, huh?"

"How did you know?"

"He asked me to write his blog for him too. He's got a MySpace now."

"Even after the thing with the 12 year old?"

"I know, I know. I guess it's boiled over. So you wanna grab some coffee?"

"Okay."

We went to a Starbucks to sit and chat. He kind of embarrassed me at the counter.

"What it be like, choosey lover?" He said. "Venti Iced Latte."

"You want the extra shot?"

"Yeah yeah."

Once we sat down, the inevitable came:

"So what're you gonna give me for material now that Mads is gone?"

"I don't know. I saw Snakes on a Plane....?"

"Mads was almost killed by Mayor McCheese."

"Well I can't compete with that... was he really?"

"It's in the blog. C'mon, what else you got?"

"Hey, I live a way more exciting life than Mads. I partied with Hilary Duff the other night."

"You partied with a 16 year old? That's hot?"

"I saw Condi recently."

"Now that's hot. What'd you do?"

"Went to Salvatore Ferragamo's and picked out some boots for her."

"And...?"

"I didn't want to lead her on."

"You're killing me, dude. Listen, let's go take a walk."

I was defeated. Mads had beaten me. Or had he? I got the most amazing call I could have ever gotten at that moment. The Prince of Monaco was having a party in Newportbeach, RI, did I want to come? You bet your ass I did. And I took Matty the Mainer with me.

He was unimpressed with the Prince, or any of the other rich people, but very impressed with the entertainment: they'd hired Paris Hilton to sing. He was even more impressed when I introduced him to her as a writer. That was just great, because she was looking for a writer to help her with her new book. They left, and I didn't see him for a while. He came back just as I was about to leave.

"So how'd it go?" I said.

"I asked her to marry me, or at least give me $50,000."

"What did she say?"

"She gave me fifty bucks. I'll take what I can get."

Mental note: never take Matty the Mainer with me to a party again.