Who Doesn't Like Bull's Testicles?

I don't know how I let Joe Rogan talk me into this. I love watching Fear Factor, don't get me wrong, but I've never had any desire to compete on it.

Mads, my Norwegian companion, and I were watching a UFC event at the Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas, when we were visited by Joe Rogan between fights. I told him how great I thought Fear Factor was. Big mistake.

"You should come on the show. I'll get you through the screeners. C'mon, out of everyone I know, you've got to be the most unflappable."

He was right, I am pretty unflappable. This would be an easy fifty grand. I'll show these kids a thing or two.

The first stunt involved climbing up an apparatus and then traversing the underside of it like one would do the monkey bars at a child's playground. Not a problem for a former olympic gymnast, and I easily had the quickest time.

The second challenge was eating bull's testicles. Rogan must've known I'd have an advantage at this one as well. I'd eaten bull's testicles before. Mads and I were stranded some years back in a remote section of India. We found a stray bull, as if brought to us by a miracle, and we subsisted off it in its entirety. Despite the fact that these testicles were not prepared as well as the ones Mads and I had, it was still not difficult. One thing did catch my eye, though. This 22 year-old girl aptly named Destiny. She must've been 5'4", 100 lbs., and she barely made it through the first challenge, and finished her bull's testicles with only a second or two left. She worried me.

Now I was in the final event, which involved unlocking chains while submerged under water. We were given three keys, but only one worked. Rogan was definitely hooking me up now, because he had to know I could easily pick those locks, a decided boon to my chances of winning.

Only one other person joined Destiny and myself in the finals. He went first, and I went after him. He had a paltry time of 30 seconds. Now it was my turn. I stood on the platform calmly while the interns chained me to the bottom of it. Rogan counted me down from 3, and then the platform sank under the water below me. The moment my head was submerged, I pulled the paper clip I had palmed and pretended to use the keys as I manipulated the lock.

I beat his time by a good ten seconds, sending him home. All I needed was for Destiny to screw up, and I was fifty grand richer. As I dried off, it was her turn, and I watched in horror as Rogan told me she got the locks undone in her first try. She floated to the surface one half of a second faster than me.

"That's hot," I said.

I thanked Rogan for the opportunity, and congratulated Destiny. Mads met me off the set with a freshly made Manhattan, and we walked away.