Mayor McCheese: Heads Up With Ronald

With Moon Knight back in town, I thought it might be a good idea to keep a low profile, so I had the gang over for a little poker night.

Now it might be a good idea to explain how the table plays. Grimace: he's been known to lose pots on purpose just to make people think he has no clue; Officer Big Mac: plays very conservatively, and gets really pissed when he loses hands, especially when he had the better hand and ended up getting a bad beat; Birdie: she can definitely hang, and I hate being heads up in a big pot with her; the Hamburglar: impossible to read; finally, Ronald: I've never seen anyone better at knowing what his opponents are holding.

I'll cut right to the chase. The cards were coming my way; it was just my night. In the end, I found myself heads up with Ronald, and I had about a two-to-one chip lead. My first hand was ace-queen suited. I called the big blind and left it to Ronald. He raised. I went all in. And then it happened.

"Get buck naked bitches!"

Two men in ski masked barged in. I could hear from the voice that it was Verona, probably coming to reclaim his VCR. Ronald was not impressed. He gave me look. I thought he was going to try something, and he wanted me to have his back. I was wrong.

The windows of my house were shattered, and four men in SWAT gear swarmed in. They took out Verona and his friend with a taser.

"Are you all right, sir?" One of them asked Ronald.

"I'll be a lot better when I get out of here."

Whatever.