Mayor McCheese: Why I Couldn't Give a Shit Less About the Chicago Bears

People always ask me if I root for the Bears, being that I'm from Chicago. The answer, of course, is no. Absolutely not.

The truth is, here in McDonaldland, no one cares who wins the games, because as long as they're close, we as major corporations win. Just look at last night's Pats/Colts game. Looked like a possible blow out for the Pats, no? And maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but as long as you don't tell anyone else, I don't see any harm. You'll notice after the Manning pick-six, the Colts went three-and-out, giving the Pats excellent field position. We needed to stop the bleeding, so someone put a call into commissioner Roger Goodell, who in turn put through a message to the head referee: we needed to kill that Pats drive: no more points. Next thing you know, questionable offensive pass interference call on Troy Brown, the drive stalls, and the pendulum shifts back in the other direction. It didn't take long before you got a tie game, and tons of people watching Dollar Menunaire commercials.

Sound cynical? Well it isn't. My favorite athlete, Michael Jordan, once said "Republicans buy sneakers too." The difference between the NBA and the NFL, is that the NBA placed all their eggs in the basket of a player, while the NFL placed it in the basket of a game. We as corporate sponsors don't like shelling out seven figures for an ad that no one's going to see in the fourth quarter of a 44-13 game, and you wouldn't have a football if it wasn't for us. As such, it's important to keep us happy, and that's done with a close game. Maybe we went too far with the Pittsburgh game last year, but we couldn't trust Bill Cower's game plan. I think we made the right decision.

Just imagine, Bears fan, what would you think of Ditka if we'd been on the job back in Super Bowl XX? Ask the 2001 St. Louis Rams, they'll tell you.