The Maury Povich Drinking Game

This is it, the Maury Povich drinking game. People have been asking me for years how it's played, so here you go.

First off, the game can only properly be played during a paternity test episode. Avoid any crazy things caught on tape, I survived this or that, or I'm a 13 year-old that's had 20 guys episodes. I usually TiVo a few in advance so we have them, just in case. Also, make sure no one has seen the episodes. It ruins the whole thing if someone knows what the results are.

The rules are simple.

1) Every time a girl references her baby's picture and asks the audience whether it looks like the guy, take a drink.

2) Every time the audience agrees that it looks like him, take a drink.

3) If the baby looks nothing like him, take two drinks.

4) If the woman has been on the show before for either another baby, or the same baby but a new man, take two drinks.

5) If the kids' names make no sense, take a drink.

6) When the man comes out, if he gets booed, take a drink.

7) If, when he finds out he's the father, he says he'll be a man about it, even after jumping around the stage like a moron when he thought it wasn't his, take a drink.

8) When Maury holds the baby, take a drink.

9) If for any reason Maury leaves the set to see a guest on the show, take two drinks.

10) Finally, it's up to all the players to guess on whether or not the dude in question is in fact the father. Guess right, and you're safe. Guess wrong, you gotta finish your drink. The person with the worst percentage of correct guesses has to finish an additional drink at the end of the show. The person who's right the most can hand out ten to whomever he or she wants.

The last time I played I was with Ben Affleck, Ohio State wide-out Ted Ginn jr., and of course, Mads. I went 0-fer-6 on picking them. The worst was when a guy was out there for two kids from one girl. He wasn't the father of the first, but was the father of the second, and I guessed wrong on both of them. Let's just say I was a hurting unit. Mads went a stellar 5-fer-six, and we had a huge blow-out over whether the name Osirian made sense or not. Ben, Ted, and I said it didn't, but Mads insisted that he liked it.