Barry Barry Bonzo, I Don't Like Your Girlfriend

150K, a spitfire pop singer, and a beef roid-taking baseball player with a size 15 head. What does it all mean? My best plan ever.

I saw a commercial for Avril Lavigne's new CD, changed the channel, and saw Barry Bonds in a post-game press conference, as persnickety as usual. Of course, how could I have not thought of it before? I contacted Avril's agent and laid down the offer: 150K if she sang her "Girlfriend" song to Barry in the middle of one of his cat-and-mouse games with the media. I'd be able to get her and her friends the press credentials. She was down.

Two days later I got a text message:

"It's done. Watch SportsCenter at 11."

In the opening credits they showed all the crap that was going to be on, then the music quieted, and I saw a befuddled Barry Bonds listening to "Barry Barry Bonzo, I don't like your girlfriend. No way No way, I think you need a new one. Barry Barry Bonzo, I could be your girlfriend."
Scott van Pelt was speechless as ESPN showed the full clip. The people at the press conference were stunned. Avril said she had a question, then one of her little buddies turned on a boom box that had the backing music. She could only get that opening part out before security carried her and her friends off. Barry shook his enormous head.

"That was one crazy white bitch," he said.