Pepe Was Not a Nice Boy

Sir Ian McKellen and I were playing 2006 FIFA World Cup on PS2, when he got a text message.

"Wow, I'm needed in Honduras," he said.

"Honduras? What's down there?" I had just scored with Didier Drogba, so I put the controller down and looked at him.

"I own a beach house. They're really cheap in Honduras, you know? Anyway, apparently there was a big police raid at my place."

We hopped a charter flight to Honduras without even packing. When we got there, it wasn't a pretty sight.

"Are you Sir Ian McKellen?" The head of the Honduran federal police department asked. He was a stout man with a thin moustache.

"Si, I am."

"When was the last time you were down here?"

"Wow, 2004, I think. Things have been hectic lately. I let Pepe live there when I'm not around."

"What do you know about Pepe?"

"He seems like a nice boy."

In fact, Pepe was not a nice boy. He ran an illegal drug operation, acting as a middle man for coke going from Columbia to Mexico. For fun, he raised pit bulls for a dog fighting ring, which also took place at the house. Mr. McKellen immediately contacted his lawyer. I asked the police chief where I could go to see some jaguars in the wild. I love jaguars.