You Are Not the Deepcheeks

I had this weird dream the other night. I was watching Maury, and it was your run-of-the-mill DNA test type deal. There was something not right about it, but in the dream, I found it to be completely normal. It was only when I woke up that I realized how odd it was.

Maury had this big black woman on his couch next to him.

"We're here with U God Sham God. U God Sham God, tell us your situation."

"Well, me and Keonton, we was cool at first. I mean, we slapped at that shit, you know what I mean."

The crowd oohed.

"Really, you slapped at that shit? When did things go sour?"

"Well, then he starts talkin' bout his Beetis, an' how my deepcheeks wasn't his, how he wasn't the deepcheeks."

"He was denying your deepcheeks?"

"Yes Maury. Look at them deepcheeks. Don't they look like his?"

It was a picture of Wilford Brimley. The crowd cheered in agreement.

"Well, here's what he had to say."

They cut to a clip of Kurt Rambis in his old Lakers uniform and his goggles. He was gesturing and making angry remarks. They'd cut to a shot of him with his arms crossed shaking his head, and then him dribbling the basketball kind of awkwardly. For some reason he was wearing black Chuck Taylors too.

"U God Sham God know them deepcheeks ain't mine," he said. "She had too many other guys for them to be mine. I ain't the deepcheeks. My boys tell me she was all up in some house with five guys at once, making a movie. Now how she gonna say they mine deepcheeks?"

"Let's bring him out, meet Keonton!"

It was Marvel comics superhero Moon Knight. He was waving at the crowd in a dissmissive manner as they booed him.

"I have the results right here. Keonton, in the case of U God Sham God, you are not the deepcheeks."

I found myself in the audience, then on the stage with Moon Knight. Unprovoked, he took a swing at me with one of his nunchuks, and I woke up. I tried to make sense of it as I went over it in my mind: you are not the deepcheeks. What did it mean? I considered going to a dream analyst, but then decided against it.